Perfection
by Ronja-R
Summary: Post-409. Chuck tries to deal with Blair meeting a guy who is perfect for her. I suck at summaries...
1. Chapter 1

This is not another multi-chapter story, it will have maybe four or five chapters and that's it. After Christmas I finally got around to seeing the first nine episodes of the fourth season and it made me want to write something a little more… angst-ish. I avoid spoilers, including finding out about aired episodes I have yet to see, so I don't know what happens in **410** or after and I don't want to find out until I watch the episodes. So this story is not based on spoilers or rumors or anything of that sort, nor do I know if it matches with what happens in **410** and **411**. I got the idea for it when I was browsing around online and someone made a comment that they should just let Blair find the perfect guy for her. Unfortunately I don't even remember which website I read that comment on, let alone the screen name of the person who said it, so I can't give proper credit. The idea just stuck with me and I began to wonder what would happen if Blair _did_ meet the perfect guy and above all how Chuck would react. Set during spring of season four.

So there's your basic premise, and I hope the story will be enjoyable!

* * *

This was a formal event and one he couldn't avoid attending. Nate's twentieth birthday party. Otherwise he would have left when she arrived. It was easier that way.

He stood in the corner of the room with a scotch in his hand allowing himself a few brief seconds of watching her. Enjoying the moment as much as he could since he knew it would be over in a few heartbeats. Blair looked better than ever, dressed from head to toe in grey Valentino and Mikimoto pearls. A few months ago she had gone back to wearing extensions in her dark brown hair, creating a look similar to the one she had had in junior year when he had first fallen in love with her, but a touch more adult and sophisticated. That wasn't what made the big difference though. The difference was something that came from within. The looks of sadness and desolation she had been sporting for far too long had been replaced by smiles of contentment and that bubbly, sparkly part of herself which she had never believed existed but which he had always been drawn to had returned.

Too bad the reason was a man. A man who just stepped into the room, putting an end to Chuck's brief seconds of looking at her. He didn't like looking at her when the frame also included her boyfriend. It was just off-putting.

He took a sip from his scotch and began to stroll across the room looking as casual as possible. He had seen several women make eyes at him already but he hadn't been interested in the slightest. He had been too nervous knowing that she was going to walk through that door, with _him_. Knowing that he would get to see her again but that the moment would be tainted almost instantly. They barely saw each other at all anymore because it was easier that way. Easier for him at least. He didn't have the first clue if she felt the same way or if she missed having him in her life. Not that it mattered either way. She had said she needed to find herself before she could be with him and instead she had found someone else.

If it was just Blair dating some guy then he could swallow his hurt and deal with it, weather the storm knowing that sooner or later she would get bored and her heart would lead her back to him. He would have never agreed to them breaking up in the first place if he hadn't been sure they would end up back together again in a few months, or a year at the most. If you could even call it a breakup when their relationship version 2,0, or technically 3,0 counting the one week at the end of junior year, had lasted less than an hour. And it hadn't even been a very good hour, except for when they had kissed the hell out of each other in the church. The only time he would ever get to kiss her in a church, he had now begun to realize.

Because Blair's new beau was not just some temporary thing. He was Mr. Right. Mr. Perfect. As if someone above had gone through the trouble of finding the best match for her in the whole wide world and sent him walking into her life. They hadn't been together more than three months but already Chuck was hearing people gossiping about how Blair Waldorf had found her future husband. Joseph Corday, who may or may not go by the nickname Joe or Joey, Chuck didn't even know, was a 26 year-old lawyer graduated from Yale who worked at a successful law firm on Manhattan. _Gossip Girl_ had been happy to dish out the details on how Blair and he had met at a brunch on Valentine's Day, a brunch neither one of them had been too eager to attend but had soon ended up enjoying once they made small talk and realized that they both loved golden age Hollywood in general and Audrey Hepburn in particular.

The fact that he was the only straight man in America who loved Audrey Hepburn would have been worrisome enough. Unfortunately the little details that made him perfect for Blair did not end there. And unfortunately Chuck hadn't been able to avoid finding out about all these details one way or another. Through Serena, through Nate, through Lily, through Gossip Girl and at this point probably through osmosis. Joseph Corday played tennis, was well-read and well-educated, spoke fluent French, came from an upstanding Chicago family but lacked prestige on the New York scene. Prestige Blair could easily lend him, which was another detail that made him perfect for her. She could be herself, be Blair Waldorf with all that came with the name and with her family's social standing, yet be with someone who had the same kind of pedigree and upbringing as her. He knew how to behave in the Upper East Side society and was the type of man that would have women sigh with envy over not getting to be the one he was with yet there was more than enough room for Blair to shine. She wouldn't just be Joseph Corday's girlfriend like she would have been just Chuck Bass' girlfriend.

When Joseph Corday had first gotten a taste of Blair's deviant qualities, the ones Chuck loved so highly about her, he had not been turned off or judged her for it, in fact he had seemed to find it interesting and charming. Somehow he had then been able to rein her in and get her to focus her brilliance less on devious takedowns and more on other forms of triumph of the mind. Blair had made an enemy at Columbia while trying to get in to another college club and while Chuck didn't know the details he had been told enough from Serena to know that Blair's original plan of destroy and conquer had somehow been changed into a different strategy which gave Blair an outlet for her love of scheming but without coming across as deviant. And all this was of course the miraculous Joseph Corday's doing. It had never even occurred to Chuck to try and steer Blair in a different direction when her scheming senses awoke but apparently it could be done and Blair herself had been very pleased with the outcome. Serena had said, with a voice filled with something bordering on awe, that Joseph hadn't _changed_ her, he had just _developed_ her. Clearly the man was the male version of Mary Sue incarnate.

Every little detail about this man seemed right. Even the details Chuck most definitely didn't want to know anything about. Serena had gotten trashed at Victrola about a month ago and Chuck had helped her get home safely. During the ride back to the Waldorf-Rose penthouse Serena had drunkenly told him all about how Blair had told her, in confidence but drunken Serena didn't care about such things, that this guy was the first she had been with who could match Chuck in bed. That revelation had stung like a bitch. Chuck had always prided himself in knowing that he had been Blair's first and he had definitely been her best. No matter what any other guy could give her he could give her satisfaction like no other. Being equaled in that department by this guy not only served as another piece of evidence that he was perfect in and of itself, it also meant that just like Blair he had a lot of passion underneath the calm and cool exterior. Up until that point Chuck had taken some solace in the thought that this Joseph guy was too calm and docile for Blair's tastes in the long run. Realizing that there was passion between them felt almost like an insult to what he had held as sacred between himself and Blair. And as if he hadn't figured the fact that they had passion out on his own Serena had been kind enough to spill it out for him, with the added bonus of sharing how Joseph hadn't been with nearly as many women as Chuck which stung even further since Chuck knew Blair had never really liked the large amount of notches on his bedpost.

Then there was of course the things he didn't need anybody to tell him. The things he could see for himself. The man was good-looking, definitely Blair's type. Blair had a type and Chuck knew he had never fit that type no matter what the feelings between them. Blair's type had always been Nate, or variations of him. All the men she had shown interest in aside from Chuck had been like a version of Nate. Carter Baizen had been Bad Nate, someone with the same type of look as Nate and the same charm but with a deviant streak. The English lord had been Lord Nate, a Nate with a title Blair could yearn for. That guy she had dated after they broke up last spring had been College Nate, a version of Nate who wasn't associated with high school and who played something else instead of lacrosse. All of them had the same type of look as Nate, the polar opposite of Chuck's features. It was something of a wonder that she had ever been attracted to Chuck at all, when he thought about it. If you put all her love interests next to one another and asked which one didn't belong Chuck knew he was the one who would be singled out.

Joseph Corday was tall and athletic with a nice, warm smile, had the kind of dimples women always seemed to fawn over and a pair of eyes that were just ridiculously blue. The hair was dark blonde and cut quite short, but according to _Gossip Girl_ it had grown longer these past three months so Blair had probably requested him to stay away from scissors for the time being. She had a weakness for bangs and loved running her fingers through them and pushing the hair away from the forehead. That, and Chuck knew very well from personal experience that she wanted long enough hair on her lover's head to grab a hold of during sex. He had discovered this very early on in their physical relationship and had let his own hair grow longer in a subconscious attempt at being more attractive to her. Chuck had yet to see Blair letting her fingers play with Joseph's hair and he had a feeling that seeing that would make him nauseous. It was bad enough having caught a glimpse of her playing with the lapels of the guy's suit. Chuck had always loved when Blair fussed over his clothes, adjusting his bowties or picking loose strains of fabric from his coats. There was something about it which made him feel cared for, something in the way she did those things that made them into endearments. Joseph Corday of course wore nice suits to the office, none of them as expensive as what Chuck wore but definitely on par with Nate's wardrobe. Outside the office Joseph, much like Nate, chose more comfortable attire, most of which, according to _Gossip Girl_, was Hugo Boss. His style was conservative at work and still stylish at play, a combination Blair had always spoken fondly of. In fact it wouldn't have surprised Chuck at all if it was revealed that Blair had made him into her own human paper doll, dressing him up according to her own personal taste, but his sources, who he'd rather not listen to most of the time but they seemed incapable of shutting up, had informed him that Joseph had been dressing this way since forever.

What made it all so much more annoying was that the guy had faults. If he was _too_ perfect then that would have meant he was too good to be true and Blair would have been suspicious. That, or she would have gotten bored. There were just the right amount of negatives to assure that there would still be some diversity and the pair wouldn't just be a male and a female version of the same person. Nate had told Chuck that Joseph hated wine and in fact didn't like to drink alcohol at all, including vintage bottles of Dom. He also hated all form of grooming done by professionals, such as pedicures, massages and the like. He was quite passionate about hockey and soccer, two sports which bored Blair. Little imperfections which didn't amount to anything bad at the end of the day. It just kept him from being overly perfect and thus impossible for anyone to stomach.

Having walked halfway through the room by this point, Chuck made a turn and selected one of his admirers at random. Some girl with a much too revealing dress and dark brown hair cut in a short bob. He could care less how she looked or who she was or what she was like. He had never even seen her before and had no clue how she knew Nate but it didn't matter. Maybe she was just a guest at the hotel. That was the thing about hosting formal events at the Empire. You never knew when a curious guest might take the opportunity to join the party.

The next time his eyes caught Blair it was by accident when he looked up from the brunette he was occupying himself with. Blair turned her head in his direction at the same time and their eyes met across the room. He wasn't sure if he was pleased or displeased that his tumbler-free hand was on the brunette's hip and she had both her hands on his shoulders. Whatever the case he had wanted any reaction from Blair other than what he got. She gave him a little smile and all it did was confuse him. It felt good seeing her this happy, the way she ought to be at all times. It just hurt like all hell to know the reason why. And at least some trace of jealousy would have been nice. Some sign that he hadn't lost her completely.

Another hour went by and he had ended up losing the brunette. No matter what he hadn't seemed able to muster up any interest in her, sexually or otherwise. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood. He was tense knowing that Blair was in the room, always worried he might catch sight of her by mistake and see her displaying affection with her new boyfriend. Not that he thought that would happen. It had not been six months since he had told Blair he loved her with all his heart and even if her declaration of love in return was no longer true she still seemed to try not to hurt his feelings. Another cause for concern. If she was rubbing this new relationship in his face or at the least letting him get more or less accidental glimpses of her new happiness then that would mean she was on some level trying to provoke him, looking for a reaction in him. Instead she kept Joseph and her feelings for him away from Chuck, out of sight, out of mind. She seemed almost protective of what she had with this man, like she didn't trust Chuck to leave her be if she flaunted her return to happiness in front of him. Number 457 on the list of things that stung like a bitch.

He walked over to the bar where Nate was hanging around. He told Horace to make him another drink, what it was didn't matter so long as it wasn't girly or included things like tiny umbrellas. The drink was served a minute later and Chuck looked up at his best friend.

"You're twenty, Nathaniel" he said. "Your celebration should consist less of standing by the bar and more of mingling with all the niceties that have come to wish you well."

"Since when does Chuck Bass consider mingling a proper way of celebrating anything?" Nate asked with a smirk.

"Mingle while the eyes of your mother and your grandfather and the top society are still on you…" Chuck said, taking a sip from his drink. "Seduce and ravish the knockout of your choice once they have gone. Or, you're twenty now, perhaps you can even take on _two_ of these fine ladies."

"I know I was years behind you with losing my virginity but that doesn't mean I haven't done things to get caught up" Nate said, taking a sip from his champagne. "I was doing threesomes by the time I was eighteen. And frankly I didn't see the beauty of them."

"You have no vision" Chuck sighed mournfully, causing Nate to laugh.

"Hey listen, thanks man for putting this thing together" Nate said. "Even though I know you don't exactly mind gathering New York's finest at the Empire, it's still a lot of work that goes into something like this."

"I invited the police department? That was completely by accident."

Nate just smirked and took another sip of champagne. Someone came up behind Chuck and ordered a drink, one of the few people who seemed to fancy something other than the champagne that was being carried around by waiters. Chuck took another sip of his own drink, pondering whether or not he should go select a girl for Nate. A twentieth birthday only came about once and his buddy should celebrate with someone more exquisite tonight. Chuck had always had a good eye for which women gave the best performances behind closed doors and which ones were simply not worth the time and effort.

For another brief second his thoughts returned to Blair. She was impossible to keep out for more than a few minutes at a time. It was silly really. Yes they were at the same party, in the same building, but that was all. Their only contact tonight had been a second of looking at each other. For all intents and purposes it was as if she wasn't even there. The thing was though that he didn't need to follow her with his eyes every step she took. He knew that she was there anyway, he could feel her presence in a room. He was just always aware of her whenever she was near and even though he wanted to turn that off he didn't know how to do it.

His thoughts were interrupted by someone behind him reaching over to shake Nate's hand and wish him a happy birthday. Chuck turned his head and realized it was Joseph Corday. Chuck had never actually heard the man speak before and was annoyed to notice he had a very pleasant speaking voice. Not nearly as low and mumbling as Chuck's own. Thoroughly annoyed he downed his drink and ordered a scotch from Horace.

"Thanks" Nate smiled to the other man. "Having a good time?"

"Very, but unfortunately I couldn't find a waiter carrying around anything non-alcoholic" Joseph said and raised his glass. "Cranberry juice. It looks enough like something alcoholic that people won't pester you about getting something to drink."

Nate smiled good-naturedly and placed a hand on Chuck's arm, discreetly nudging him to turn around and actually face the other man.

"Joe, have you met the guy who runs this show?" he asked.

"No I haven't, not yet" Joseph smiled, turning to Chuck. "But I know who you are. It's nice to finally meet the minor legend Chuck Bass."

Chuck was very tempted to let a sly smirk spread across his face and assure Joseph that there was nothing minor about him but for some reason he felt like being on his best behavior. It probably wouldn't do him any good to come off as rude and abrasive to Mr. Perfect.

"And you are?" he asked instead, settling for feigned ignorance which was in no way impolite yet would make the rival feel insignificant.

"Joseph Corday" the man said and shook Chuck's hand.

"Blair's boyfriend" Nate needlessly informed him in a whisper.

"Oh, right" Chuck said.

"I'm glad to finally meet you" Joseph said, and annoyingly enough seemed to mean it. "I've met all the rest of Blair's friends but you seem to be particularly difficult to run into."

"Most people hold off on introducing me to their new acquaintances" Chuck said. "I have a reputation for being something of a bad seed. I'm sure you've heard a fair share of stories and warnings."

"Not at all" the guy said, shaking his head. "Blair thinks the world of you. Which is why I'm glad we could finally meet. I want to know all there is to know about Blair, and if not befriend then at least get to know all of her friends."

"I'm not actually Blair's _friend_ though, so much as I'm-"

"Her ex-boyfriend, I know" Joseph nodded.

Chuck couldn't contain his surprise at how casual Joseph seemed about it. Wasn't he jealous in the least? Most guys wouldn't want their girlfriend to stay friends with people they used to date. Especially not when the relationship had been as serious as it was between Blair and Chuck.

"That doesn't bother you?" he had to ask, taking a sip from his drink to try and mask the look on his face before he could change it back to indifference.

"That she's on good terms with people she used to date? No, why would it. She's still friends with Nate and from what I understand they were together for years. I think it's great that she can stay close to people she used to care for romantically."

"It wasn't just dating with Blair and I" Chuck said, unable to stop himself.

"Yeah, she told me you practically lived together. And that it didn't end too amicably. Which is why it's even more impressive that you've been able to become friends instead."

"Shut up about your relationship" Nate hissed in Chuck's ear.

"We don't see each other much anymore" Chuck said, taking another sip of scotch. "Work's been keeping me so busy… Who has the time for old acquaintances?"

"Ugh, don't talk to me about work" Joseph groaned. Then he laughed a little. "Things are hectic at my job right now to say the least. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just make good use of Blair's plotting powers and scheme my way to the top, rather than doing it by old-fashioned hard work."

"Come on over to the dark side" Chuck said. "We've got cookies."

"Tempting, but I'll resist" Joseph chuckled. "Blair thinks I'm a softie but at the end of the day I want to make it by the merit of work."

"Plotting can be a lot of work" Chuck replied.

"See? Now he's demonstrating why people wait a while before introducing him to their new acquaintances" Nate said dryly and finished off his champagne.

Joseph just laughed.

"That's actually exactly what Blair said when I told her I wanted to work my way to the top" he said to Chuck. "I have a feeling I'll like you. But, speaking of Blair I should go find her. I left her speaking to the most boring deputy mayor this city has ever had and I think she'll kill me if I don't go save her soon. Chuck, great meeting you. Nate, have a great continuation of your birthday."

"Later" Nate nodded Joseph walked off.

Against better judgment Chuck let his eyes follow the other man and saw him find Blair. He placed a hand on her arm, Blair turned to him and smiled and Chuck wished he had been drinking arsenic rather than cranberry juice. Joseph had his back turned to Chuck but Chuck could see that he was talking, probably telling Blair what had taken him so long. He saw Blair mouth his name with a not too pleasantry surprised look on her face and then she looked over to the bar. Their eyes met and Chuck raised his tumbler in a salute. An unsure smile played on Blair's lips and she lifted her hand and curled her fingers in a little wave.

Chuck turned around, determined to be the first to look away. She didn't have anything to worry about. He hadn't said anything bad to Joseph or done anything to scare him off. No matter how much he had wanted to.

He leaned against the bar and did his best to mask his sour mood. Nate remained silent for a full minute but then he couldn't contain himself any longer.

"So now you've met Blair's new guy" he said.

"My life is officially complete" Chuck replied dryly.

"Come on, man. You knew you couldn't avoid him forever."

"Who says I was trying to avoid him?"

"You've been avoiding Blair. I figured he was the reason why."

"Who says I've been avoiding Blair?" Chuck shot back. "I am however going to avoid you and go do some actual work around here. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Oh, and tonight you should take that blonde girl in the red Dior dress with you back up. She'll give you a much better time than that black haired girl in the Valentino would."

He walked off with a firm grip of his scotch, hoping to find something to do to keep him distracted until this hell of a party was over. He couldn't just leave, that would be too obvious and it would be weird. He was working this party, not just attending it. But as long as Blair and that annoyingly nice and perfect guy were still on the premises the Empire was the last place on earth Chuck wanted to be.

* * *

"Chuck! There you are."

Chuck looked up from the glass of orange juice he was pouring. He was in his kitchen, still clad in his satin PJs and robe, and it was just past ten in the morning. Where else would he be at this hour?

"What a relief for you to finally find me" he said dryly. "Given the countless hours you must have spent searching far and wide."

"I didn't see much of you after we spoke at the bar last night" Nate said.

Chuck looked up again. He smirked when he saw the blonde he had pointed out to Nate silently looking around for her shoes and her purse behind them.

"There were some situations that needed my attention" he said. "I had to threaten to throw out one of your Vanderbilt cousins who got stoned and tried to climb the stairs via the banister. Do any of you stay away from the smoke for any longer periods of time?"

"So what are your plans for today?"

Chuck's eyes narrowed and he studied Nate carefully. Since when did Nate start off his days going looking for Chuck just to share niceties?

"That depends" he said and downed half his glass of juice in four large gulps. "What is it that you want me to do?"

"Nothing" Nate tried to lie, but as usually the attempt failed miserably.

"In that case I've got a shiatsu at one o'clock and after that I'm firing my new driver. Idiot can't even get me to meetings on time. I wish Arthur could have chosen a better time to have his gastric ulcer. I'm really busy right now and need a driver I can rely on to get me places on time. Then I'll be spending the rest of the day interviewing new drivers."

"Good, then you're not doing anything until after lunch" Nate smiled. "Get dressed, you're coming with me."

"No offense Nathaniel but your outings tend to involve Brooklyn, lacrosse or sailboats and I'm not in the mood for either."

"Just get dressed and make it quick" Nate said, walking back to his room.

Chuck sighed and finished his OJ. He then obediently went and got dressed, figuring he might as well acquiesce. He was at least partially curious as to what this was all about and decided to hear what Nate had planned before dismissing it. Even though he knew that the chances of the plans being boring or stupid were about 98%.

He walked back out and found Nate waiting and in an annoyingly good mood. This did not bode well.

"Wherever we're going I should warn you" Chuck said. "If there are more men than there are hot women where we're going I'm out."

"Relax" Nate chuckled. "We're going to lunch."

"Any reason why we couldn't eat lunch here?"

"Because I love Thai food and they don't serve Thai here" Nate said, stepping on to the elevator and pressing the button. "Hurry up a little, will you? And try dressing like a normal person for a change. It takes you longer to get into those suits than it takes Serena to get dressed in the morning."

"That's because Serena barely wears clothes."

"We're running late because you took so long getting dressed and they hate waiting."

"Who, the staff at Hi Thai?"

"Very funny."

"Who exactly is '_they_'?" Chuck asked warily.

"_They_ are the other people who are going to be eating lunch. You didn't think I was ushering you out for a one-on-one luncheon were you? Because planning those ahead and making sure you get into your clothes to attend them seems a touch gay."

"Who else?" Chuck asked.

"Just… You know… Some people."

"Nathaniel. Who's going to be there?"

"You and me and Serena…"

"And Blair?"

"And Blair" Nate confirmed.

"Give my best to the girls."

"What? Oh no you don't. You're coming with."

"Why?"

"Why? Why the hell _not_?"

"Well for one I need to leave for my shiatsu at eleven if I want to make sure to make it with this driver" Chuck said dryly.

"Come on man, my actual birthday is today and I want to have my birthday lunch with you guys. Since I'm the birthday boy you have to do what I ask."

"That stopped being valid when you turned eight."

"It's just lunch. I know you want to see her."

"Who?"

"Maria von Trapp. Stop being intentionally dense."

They rode the rest of the way down in silence. The elevator doors opened and they stepped out, heading for the exit. The silence lasted until they had walked outside.

"Look, I'm going to go for a walk" Chuck said. "Enjoy your lunch and we'll do something fun tonight instead. Okay?"

"No" Nate said. "Stop acting like a kid. You can't keep avoiding her. There's no reason for you to avoid her. Joe is not invited so you won't have to see them together."

"That's not what this is about" Chuck said. "I don't want to ruin your birthday lunch. Like you said I haven't seen Blair in a while and it's going to be awkward."

"If you don't show up that's what's going to ruin it" Nate objected. "I want to have lunch on my birthday with the three people I care about the most in the world. Suck it up and eat some Thai food. It's not going to kill you."

"You should think about expanding your social circle."

"After lunch we can go home and get you drunk and maybe pry the truth out of you about why you've been avoiding Blair if the reason is not fear that you might see her with Joe" Nate said, ignoring the comment.

"Fine" Chuck said very grudgingly. "I'll come to lunch."

"Great. Now shake a leg, your attempts to bolt have made us even later."

Chuck shoved his hands in his pockets and waited while Nate tried to get them a cab. In a way Nate was right, he did long to see Blair. He just didn't know what to say to her at this point. They hadn't spoken in well over a month, and he had ignored the few calls she had made. He didn't even know what mood she would be in. Would she be wanting to know why he had been avoiding her? Would she be angry about him talking to Joseph the previous night? Would she be pretending as if nothing had happened? It didn't seem like Nate's birthday lunch was the ideal time for them to actually hang out together for the first time in months.

His phone rang and he fished it out of his pocket to answer it.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Chuck…" Eric's voice said on the other end. "It's Eric."

Chuck was very surprised to hear his voice. Eric never called anymore. He had barely spoken to Chuck at all since the incident with Jenny almost a year prior, and the few times that he had he hadn't been friendly.

He waited silently for Eric to continue. If he wanted something he could spit it out. Chuck was in no mood to drag it out of him.

"I…" Eric began hesitantly. "You wouldn't happen to be free right now, would you?"

"Unfortunately no" Chuck sighed.

"Oh…" Another long pause. "I need help."

"With what?" Chuck asked. He could hear a lot of noise in the background. "Where are you? And what number are you calling from, where's your cell?"

"I'm… actually _in_ a cell. We got arrested and I was… hoping you could bail us out."

Chuck's face fell. Little Eric van der Woodsen getting arrested? Out of all the people he knew he had thought Eric was the one least likely to get into trouble with the law.

"Arrested for what?"

Nate took a pause in his attempts at getting a cab, wrinkling his forehead and mouthing a question over who was calling. Chuck ignored him, waiting for an answer. It took Eric a while to say it, clearly he was embarrassed.

"Indecent behavior" the answer finally came.

If the revelation hadn't been so shocking Chuck would have laughed. Instead he just looked at Nate with incredulity and Nate raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

"Indecent behavior?" Chuck repeated, causing laughter from Nate who still didn't know who the caller was. "What exactly did you do?"

"Elliot-"

"Figures."

"Elliot and I didn't do anything… extreme" Eric said, and Chuck could practically hear how bad he was blushing. "We were just kissing and… you know… I mean all clothes were still on. Had I been with a woman nobody would have cared."

"My, my…" Chuck said. "I didn't think you had it in you to get arrested for something like that. I almost admire it."

"This isn't funny" Eric complained.

"Getting arrested for indecent behavior at ten in the morning _is_ funny, no matter how you spin it."

"No, they brought us in last night, after we had left the party. I didn't want to call Mom, I was too embarrassed to call Serena, and Rufus… Rufus is a good guy but he's not Bart. He wouldn't have taken it so lightly."

"Don't tell me Bart ever bailed you out of jail" Chuck said, wondering how much of a wild child Eric really was beneath the surface.

"Of course he didn't. But he would have."

"So you figured his son would do as a fallback?" Chuck asked dryly. "I thought you were brighter than that. It took you all night in jail to connect those two dots?"

"I didn't know who else to call. You're my brother and you've… been in similar situations. I guess I thought you'd understand."

"Really? Hm, I thought we had called it quits on that connection. Or is that only the noun that describes us when you're desperate for a favor?"

"Chuck…" Eric said pleadingly. "Please?"

Chuck sighed. He knew exactly why Eric had called, and it was not because of the touchingly strong bond of brotherhood or because Chuck had been in Eric's shoes in the past. He had called because he relied on getting favors from Chuck even though Eric had practically declared him the enemy and encouraged Lily to keep Chuck at a distance. Chuck also knew that he would go down there and bail him out. He didn't have the heart to leave Eric there and had no intention of actively fighting with him. If Eric wanted them to be enemies then Eric could wage that war by himself. Chuck wasn't going to participate just like he wasn't going to pretend to be Eric's brother anymore either. There was also the added bonus of a valid excuse to avoid going to lunch. While he knew he would regret not taking the opportunity to see the object of his obsession he would probably have regretted it more if he did see her.

"I'm on my way" he told Eric. "Which precinct?"

The conversation wrapped up and Chuck put his phone back in his pocket just as Nate finally managed to hail a cab.

"Looks like I won't be making it to lunch after all" he said. "With a legitimate excuse and everything."

"You at least have to tell me who's in jail for indecent behavior?" Nate said.

"Wouldn't do you any good even if I did tell you. Some guy I partied with a lot right after Blair dumped me" Chuck lied. "Haven't heard from him in ages but apparently I'm the guy you call when you get thrown in the slammer."

"I'll see you tonight then" Nate said, stepping into the cab.

"If the girls haven't killed you by then for being so damn late" Chuck noted. "Enjoy your lunch."

He closed the car door for Nate and walked back inside to call for his limo to be brought around.

* * *

"I really can't thank you enough, Chuck" Elliot said as they walked out from the police station a while later.

Chuck settled for a nod in response. He wasn't feeling particularly much like being on the receiving end of their gratitude. He had bailed them out because he felt he had to and they knew it. He had used his lawyers and his influence to get the whole thing to go away and he was not going to pretend like it was anything more than what it was. Eric had called him because he thought he had no other choice, not because they were family or even friends. Chuck was just a means to an end.

"Yeah this was really nice of you Chuck" Eric said as they stopped by the curb and waited for the limo.

"Don't mention it" Chuck muttered under his breath.

"Listen, are you…" Eric began, and fidgeted on the spot. "You're not going to tell Mom about this are you? Or Serena?"

"I don't recall which year you were born but since you're in high school I can safely assume that you're at least fourteen" Chuck replied. "Meaning you're too old for '_please don't tell Mommy on me_'. I already got that you didn't want them to know since you didn't call any of them. Relax. When have I ever shared any of your secrets before?"

"Thanks" Eric said again. "You're a real friend."

"Please" Chuck snorted. "You used to be a good kid, Eric. Don't start insulting people now with false niceties."

Eric looked unsure and Elliot looked from one to the other, clearly wondering what this was all about.

"I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean" Eric confessed after a moment's uncomfortable silence.

"We're not friends" Chuck said simply. "You didn't call me for that reason. You called me because I'm the guy people call when they're in an embarrassing situation and they need to be bailed out by someone who's done enough dubious things that he probably won't pass judgment. I showed up because it suited me to and because I might as well spare Lily the knowledge of her son getting arrested."

"We're brothers" Eric objected.

"We _were_ _step_brothers. That doesn't mean a thing. You don't like me and frankly I could care less if you do or not."

"You know what, I think I'll just walk home" Elliot said, having fidgeted like a madman through the entire conversation. "Thanks again Chuck. I really mean it. Eric I'll call you later, okay?"

He hurried off and Chuck paid no attention to him. Or to Eric for that matter. He had already turned away from the younger boy and fished out his phone to check the time.

"Chuck, we…" Eric began hesitantly. "We're _brothers_. I may not agree with everything you do, but-"

"Why waste your breath lying when it doesn't matter at all to me?" Chuck cut him off. "Do you think your thoughts about me have gone by unnoticed? I know you looked up to me when you were younger but you grew up and got over that, which is what young boys always do. You just want it to matter right now and want to believe that we're brothers because that way you can justify calling a person you dislike to help bail you out from an embarrassing situation. The quicker you learn to just acknowledge things for what they are the easier things will get."

Eric looked like he had a lot he wanted to say and in that moment Chuck actually believed that Eric did feel like they had a brotherhood-like relationship again and that his previous animosity hadn't truly been genuine. Chuck knew though that it was nothing more than a reaction out of gratitude and of Eric wanting things to be the way they once had been. Chuck had no desire to keep talking about it or to try and mend a relationship he had stopped caring about months ago. He just wanted to be left the hell alone.

His limo arrived and he got in without offering Eric a ride. He sunk back on the leather seats and ordered his new driver to drop him off for his massage already, even though it was barely noon yet. After that he decided he would head to the Palace, where he hadn't been in ages, and spend the night there by his lonesome. He really didn't want to go back to the Empire and see Nate tonight. He just wanted to be alone. No lunches, no hanging out with friends, no having to talk about anything at all with anyone. He finally admitted to himself that he was thoroughly depressed and just wanted to sit alone and feel sorry for himself without anybody bothering him. He had long since become a person he didn't want to be, and his attempt at rebooting himself last summer hadn't lasted long. He had lost whatever family he'd had, including Lily, because even though she genuinely cared she didn't care enough to tell her waifish husband to accept Chuck's presence at family events or holidays, which meant Chuck stayed away and never even expected invitations. She cared, but not enough to actually take a stand for him. And he had lost Blair, currently with no chance of getting her back. All the other relationships in his life could go eff themselves, what did he care anymore what anybody thought of him? The only one whose opinion mattered had left him behind.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Feedback would be lovely! Apologies for the lack of Blair in this chapter, but as you can tell this is from Chuck's POV. Blair will make more of an appearance next time though.


	2. Chapter 2

The response for the first chapter was more positive than I had expected, so that was nice =) Thanks to all who reviewed! The feedback was a touch divided on which direction people think the story should take which unfortunately means that some aren't going to like where the story goes… I hope you'll enjoy reading it anyway, even if the plot doesn't go as you think it should =)

With that said… here's the new chapter and I hope it works. It took me a few rewrites to get it into okay shape and I'm still not sure it's entirely… coherent.

Also I tried something new for this chapter with incorporating a song, which I've only done once before I believe. I'm not sure it worked very well but the point was to try and tie some of the lyrics in with what was going on. Preferably without getting too cheesy =)

* * *

Chuck absentmindedly buttoned the sleeve of his shirt on his way out of his room, casting a glance at the clock. Almost noon. He wasn't particularly hungry but he was heading out to lunch anyway.

"Hey" Nate said, coming waltzing out of his bedroom with a large yawn.

"Morning sunshine…" Chuck said dryly.

Nate just shrugged at the silent jab on how long he had been sleeping in and ran a hand through the hair on the back of his head.

"At least I got dressed…" he remarked, having often commented on how Chuck could lounge around in his PJs until well into the afternoon. "Where are you going?"

"Out to lunch."

"Better grab a warm coat" Nate said and looked out the windows with a frown. "Looks chilly out there."

It was November, and it really did look chilly outside. The world was grey and dull, the trees having shed their leaves and no snow having fallen on the ground yet to make the city look brighter. A weather which went spectacularly with the type of mood Chuck had been in for the better part of the past eighteen months, but today he was in what could almost pass for a good mood.

"I don't know how you can be bothered going outside for lunch on a day like today" Nate commented. "It looks like it's raining, too."

"I'm meeting someone for lunch."

"I _really_ don't know how you can keep going to meetings with boring business associates" Nate yawned. "We're twenty. Yet you spend half your time acting like you're forty and the other half like you're fifteen."

"It's not a business lunch" Chuck said, grabbing a coat from the hanger. "It's with Blair, actually."

"Wow" Nate said. "I wasn't sure if you still remembered who she was. When have you two even been in the same neighborhood together in 2011?"

"She called and said she wanted to meet up and talk" Chuck said. "You know Blair. Thanksgiving is coming up, then Christmas… She always gets in funny moods around the holidays and is probably looking to mend a few friendships."

"I'm not so surprised about Blair meeting up with you; I'm surprised you agreed to see her" Nate said.

"I have not been avoiding her" Chuck lied. "I merely stopped actively seeking her out. We run in different circles now. She goes to Colombia, I run my business."

"Right…" Nate said, not sure he believed his friend.

He didn't say anything else and Chuck didn't either. Nate didn't seem to care much about Chuck and Blair's friendship or lack thereof at this point and as far as Chuck was concerned there was nothing to say. He _was_ avoiding Blair but he didn't want to admit it and risk Nate pestering him about the reasons why.

He pressed the button calling for the elevator and then both his and Nate's phones went off. _Gossip Girl_ blast. He reached inside his pocket for his phone and felt his mouth go dry and the blood rush from his face when he read the blast.

_Gossip Girl_ was thrilled to have gotten the scoop of the year. News that was so fresh it apparently hadn't even reached Nate's ears yet, and therefore was probably only known by a very selective few. Blair Waldorf was getting married. She and Joseph Corday were engaged after less than a year of dating, in fact after almost the exact amount of time Blair's relationship with Chuck had lasted. There was even picture evidence. Someone had managed to snap a photo of Blair and Joseph inside his apartment, a picture someone had taken from another apartment across the street with a camera which apparently had a very good zoom function. The picture was blurry, but it very clearly showed an ecstatic Blair smiling at Joseph putting an engagement ring on her finger. There was going to be a wedding, and it was going to be the wedding of the decade.

Chuck had thought he'd experienced about every kind of pain there was to feel from that grand emotion which was supposed to bless your life and make it complete. Obviously he had been sorely mistaken. This hurt more than any of the other things before and it completely floored him. He realized he had been in a good mood today because some microscopic part of him had actually thought that maybe Blair would tell him she was done with Joseph and ready to find her way back to Chuck. Even though 99% of his brain had known that was not going to happen there had still been that miniscule hope that maybe she could still be his. Having that hope crushed in such a permanent way made him almost sick to his stomach. She was engaged. She had barely turned twenty-one years old and she hadn't even known the guy for a full year. Yet she was sure he was the guy for her. Sure enough to promise her whole life to him. She had not been ready to do that with Chuck when they had been going out. He had known that and it hadn't bothered him because he had believed they had all the time in the world. If he had proposed to her then she would have told him she wasn't ready. But when the person who was perfect for you came along there was no point in waiting, was there?

Chuck looked up and his eye's met Nate's. Nate had also read the blast, and seemed genuinely shocked. Then his eyes filled with sympathy instead. Even though they rarely, if ever, spoke of Blair anymore Nate clearly knew Chuck still loved her.

Without saying a word Chuck stepped on to the elevator to go meet Blair. The one last grasp he had at not being a through-and-through loser in this scenario was to not let on how deeply it crushed him. Not to Nate and certainly not to Blair.

* * *

He almost lost his nerve when he saw her. She was sitting alone at a table, nervously looking around, fidgeting in her seat. Something was making her uneasy but it had been too long since they had last seen each other for him to be able to figure out what it was.

She looked so beautiful it was almost unbearable to look at her. His eyes went to her hands and he saw the absence of an engagement ring on her finger and for a brief moment felt a little better. Still he didn't think he would be able to make it through an entire lunch with her under the current circumstances. What were they supposed to say to each other? Just sit there and catch up? He didn't want to hear about what was going on in her life and he had nothing of interest to report to her. Talk about their old friendship and reminisce about days gone by? Far too dangerous waters to tread. He didn't want to sit there and have an awkward lunch with her, it would only drive the point home that she was lost to him now.

Bracing himself he walked up to her table and slid into the chair opposite her, startling her a bit. He had arranged his face in the most indifferent expression he could muster and made a point out of lifting up his wrist to glance at his clock.

"I got a call from the investors in my new club" he said. "Can you talk fast? I'm meeting them in twenty minutes."

Blair's jaw dropped a little and it took her a few seconds to answer.

"Oh, you… you're opening up a new club?"

"Business as usual" Chuck said casually. "You wanted to talk?"

"Perhaps we can meet up after your meeting?" she suggested carefully. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. I _haven't_ seen you in forever."

"We're both busy people" he shrugged, surprised with how unbothered he managed to sound. "We can meet later if you want but if you have something you need to talk about then why not just say it now? I can see you fidgeting so obviously something's on your mind. You need a favor?"

"Not exactly…" Blair said, fidgeting with the napkin in front of her. "I was hoping we could have a conversation though. You know, just… It's been so weird not seeing you or talking to you and not knowing really what's going on with you. I thought we could…"

"Catch up?"

"Yeah."

"If you just wanted to bring yourself up to speed about my escapades you could have done that over the phone. You wanted to see me in person for a reason. Whatever it is you can just tell me. When have I denied you favors in the past?"

"I don't need a favor" Blair said. "It's… Something's happened and I thought you should hear it from me first."

He felt like he had been punched in the gut and didn't quite manage to hide his reaction. So it was true then. He didn't know why she wasn't wearing the ring but obviously the lack of one on her finger did not mean she hadn't accepted one.

Blair saw his reaction and looked down on her hands.

"But obviously you already saw the blast" she concluded.

"You called me out to lunch to tell me you're getting married?" he said, grateful that his voice didn't betray his heartbreak.

"I thought you should hear it from me. It feels like I owe you that… To not let you find out through the grapevine."

"You didn't bother keeping it from _Gossip Girl_ though so forgive me if I feel the gesture falls flat" Chuck said. "Since I already know what you wanted to say I guess that means this meeting is over."

He rose from his chair but she reached out and grabbed a hold of the edge of his sleeve, stopping him.

"Chuck wait."

"Was there anything else?"

"I… I don't want things to change too much. We're still friends, right? These months of barely seeing each other, they've been nothing more than you and I both being busy, haven't they? It's too weird not having you in my life."

"Of course we're still friends" he said, unsure of why he was saying that. Perhaps because it was easier and he just wanted to get the hell away from there. "We've just both been busy. That's all."

She smiled slightly and had a look on her face which didn't make him feel any better. He wondered if she was pitying him. He was the one who had lost. She had fallen in love with someone new, the one she was supposed to be with, while he was the one left standing alone. Blair might be the perfect woman for him but there was an even more perfect man for Blair and she had found him.

"I should go" he said. "I'm going to be late."

She nodded and let him leave. He wasn't sure if that meeting had gone well or badly. He just wanted to escape back to the Empire and lick his wounds.

* * *

He couldn't avoid going to the engagement party Serena threw. His absence would be too noted for it go by unnoticed. He also had a feeling Blair wouldn't be able to enjoy it completely if he wasn't there. She would know far too well the reason why and he didn't want her to have to worry about him that night. Better to make an appearance, put his best poker face on and try and live with what was going on. He had to accept it anyway, there was no other choice.

He arrived with Nate, finding that it was a more intimate gathering than he had expected. Serena had arranged it at her mother's penthouse and there were only so many people who could gather there at the same time. There were maybe twenty or thirty guests, many of them familiar faces but others obviously friends and family of the groom-to-be.

Lily came up to them while they were taking off their coats and threw her arms around Chuck with a smile that didn't seem entirely genuine.

"Charles, how lovely you could make it."

"Oh I wouldn't miss it" he answered and returned the hug for a brief second.

She released her grip and their eyes met for a second. She knew this wasn't easy for him but she wasn't going to let that show. That was one thing he liked about her. She understood his pride and helped him guard it.

For the next hour and a half Chuck managed to lay low. He mingled casually with old acquaintances and avoided anybody from the Waldorf-Rose household, the bride and groom especially. Blair must have seen that he was there and that was all he felt like he had to do. He didn't need to speak to her, just show up and let her know that he was okay, even if he wasn't. The less contact they had with each other tonight the better. At least that way they could keep the charade of friendship up.

It was inevitable though. Sooner or later they would make contact, if for no other reason than that the future groom believed firmly in speaking to all of their guests and thanking them for coming to celebrate with them. Chuck saw them approaching and wished he had had a drink in his hand, but as it was he would have to make it work sober.

Joseph looked so happy it was damn near insulting, having his hand wrapped around Blair's waist in a relaxed way which sent the message all too clearly. The two of them were together, belonged together. Chuck also noted that he was tall enough that Blair could wear heels and still rest her cheek against his chest when they danced or embraced. Blair loved that move, but hadn't been able to do it with Chuck since he was too close to her in height.

Blair looked happy too, if a touch uncomfortable. Chuck managed the hint of a smile, signaling to her that it was okay. The pair stopped in front of him and Blair's smiled seemed a fraction more genuine.

"Chuck!" Joseph said. "Blair wasn't sure if you would be able to make it."

"Here I am" Chuck said. "Congratulations. Both of you. You're getting a real gem here, Corday."

"Call me Joe" Joseph smiled and looked at Blair expectantly, probably wondering why she hadn't said a word yet.

"You look good, Chuck" she managed. "Business going well?"

"Same as always."

"The two of you should really talk more often" Joseph said. "Blair's told me how close you guys were growing up. You should be careful not to let friendships like that slip away."

"We can handle our own relationship" Chuck said dryly, not wanting this guy to meddle in his level of interaction with Blair.

"I should go over and help Mother" Joseph said to Blair. "I think she's having trouble finding the restroom."

"Oh" Blair said. "I'll come with you."

"Why not stay here and catch up?" Joseph suggested. "In fact, you could dance."

"What?" Chuck said.

"You could kill two birds with one stone. Take the opportunity to talk now that you finally managed to end up in the same room together, and avoid having people whisper about things being awkward between you. A harmless dance between friends."

Chuck's eyes went from Joseph to Blair, wondering with bewilderment if this was some form of trap or if the guy was just that oblivious. Given his all-around perfection he was probably just that sure of his relationship, that little jealous of what had been between Chuck and his fiancée and that supportive of the two of them having a platonic friendship. Blair looked uncomfortable but shrugged a shoulder as Joseph walked off and reached out her hand.

"What do you say, Bass? He's right, the best way to kill any rumors that there's tension between us is to openly show that we're friends."

"That guy's so perfect it makes me want to punch him in the teeth" Chuck sighed, which made Blair giggle.

"You know he's right. Come on."

Seeing no real way out, and unable to resist holding her in his arms for a moment, he took her hand and let her lead him out to the other couples that were dancing. For a second he thought that this might actually go rather well but then as they moved to stand facing each other Elvis Costello began to sing "_She_" and Chuck knew this was going to be three minutes of complete torture.

_She may be the face I can't forget_

_The trace of pleasure or regret_

_May be my treasure_

_Or the price I have to pay_

His arms awkwardly found their way around her body. He didn't know how to hold her. The latest hundred times or so that they had danced they had been romantically involved and dancing had meant his hands around her waist and her hands around his neck. That was a touch too intimate for an occasion like this. His one hand found the small of her back and the other took her hand in his in what felt like far too formal a move. Her free hand ended up on his shoulder blade and she looked down on the floor for a moment, clearly finding this every bit as awkward as he did.

"Just relax" he told her, and himself as well. "We've done this before."

"It's awkward" she said.

"Just a dance between friends."

That was a lie though, and he actually felt that she knew it too. She looked up into his eyes and looked at him in a way one definitely didn't look at a friend. There was still a strong spark there and together with all their history it made it impossible for this not to mean anything.

_She may be the beauty or the beast_

_May be the famine or the feast_

_May turn each day into a heaven or a hell_

Her eyes left his. The moment was just all the more awkward for the fact that the song they were dancing to was about a man's love for a woman. Had it been a less gender specific love song it wouldn't have felt so unavoidable but they both knew whose heart had been broken. The words of the song were in many ways true of how he saw her, how he felt about her, and she knew it very well. He loved her. And he had to watch from the sidelines as she gave her life to another man. On her end she had to bear the burden of knowing that while she was happy and building a life for herself the world was falling apart for one of the people she cared about the most because of it. It tainted the perfection of her relationship and right now, in his arms, it gave her a feeling she couldn't put her finger to. They couldn't escape it either. Dancing was awkward but ending the dance before the song was finished would be even more so.

"Does he treat you well?" Chuck asked in a whisper. It was a needless question which he already knew the answer to but it felt like he should say something.

"Yes" she whispered back.

He nodded. Her face was right next to his, close enough that their cheeks brushed against each other, and allowing them to avoid eye-contact. He tried to relax and enjoy this moment while it lasted. This was probably the last time she would ever be in his arms and if he tried to he could perhaps pretend that for this brief dance she was still his. He couldn't give up on the feeling that she _should_ be his, but this was her engagement party and the only part he had to play was that of supportive friend. He couldn't ruin this night for her.

_She who always seems so happy in a crowd_

_Whose eyes can be so private and so proud_

_No one's allowed to see them_

_When they cry_

He knew her so well. Better than Joseph Corday ever could, no matter how perfect he otherwise was. This fact only made it all that much more bitter. It was the one department in which Chuck would always be the most perfect. He had grown up with her just like Nate and Serena, but unlike them he had seen right into her core all along. It was something that didn't just come from being in love or being in a relationship with someone. It came from having seen them clearly from early childhood and learned every change in mood, every dream and goal, everything there was to know about them and being there when they were molded into the person they became in adulthood. Nobody could ever know her as well as he did. And he knew her well enough to know that right now she too felt sorry for what they had lost. She had wanted it to be him before, had dreamt of a future with him. When they were in each other's arms that couldn't be ignored or forgotten about. In a way that felt good, even if it did take something away from her engagement party. Maybe it was the last thing she would ever be able to give him that would come close to what he actually needed from her.

_She may be the love that cannot hope to last_

_May come to me from shadows of the past_

_That I'll remember_

_Till the day I die_

That was exactly what she had been. The love that could not hope to last. What he had had with her was far better than anything he had ever expected out of life and better than anything he thought he deserved. Something that good could last for other people but not for him. She had gotten a second chance but he didn't think he would ever find what she had found now. He would probably find someone else, marry her and perhaps have a few children. But he would never love that woman like he loved Blair. It was his share in life and he had to accept it. There was nothing else to do. Even if he never saw Blair again after tonight she would always be on his mind. He should be grateful he had gotten even a few months with her. She was too good for him, a fact he had proven beyond any doubt. Letting her go, allowing her to be happy, was perhaps the best thing he could to to thank her for the gift she had given him. He just wished he could have loved someone less perfect, someone damaged enough and bad enough that he was worthy of her.

"I miss you" Blair whispered.

"Don't" Chuck replied.

She didn't seem to know how to respond so she stayed silent. He didn't want to hear anything from her. This was not going to be any easier if she elaborated. Either she meant she missed him just as a friend, which would be hurtful and a bit insulting. Or she meant she missed him in a more profound way, but even if that were the case it wouldn't make a difference.

He knew he had been avoiding the inevitable and now was as good a time as any to face it. He waited impatiently for Costello to get to the end of the song so that he could hope to find a moment alone with Blair. He just needed a few minutes but he needed them soon, before he lost his nerve.

"Come" he whispered and kept her hand in his as he headed for the balcony.

She didn't protest and they managed to sneak out undetected and have a brief moment of privacy. It was a cold December night and he thought about offering her his jacket but they wouldn't be staying out here long.

"You need to talk?" she said.

He nodded. Most of all he needed her to listen.

"Me first" she said. "I really appreciate you coming tonight. I know it can't be easy. I mean, it was just a year ago that we…"

She trailed off and looked out on the city below. He waited for her to say something else but when she didn't he ceased the opportunity while he still had the courage.

"Of course I came" he said. "I had to. Even though it is difficult."

"You've been very respectful of my relationship with Joe" Blair said without looking at him. "I wasn't sure how you would react… You've been no problem at all."

She looked at him and he nodded.

"This is difficult" he acknowledged. "But it's manageable."

"Really?" she asked, sounding hopeful.

"I want you to be happy" he said, knowing that she felt the sincerity behind each word. "But more than that I wanted to be the one to make you happy."

Blair nodded and looked down for a second, needing a break from his gaze. She knew exactly what he meant. What he was saying to her now was a huge admission for him. Ever since that night in the limo, and perhaps even before that on a platonic plane, he had wanted her to be happy. The problem had been that he hadn't been able to let go of his desire to be the person she was happy with. That had come before anything else, bordering on "if I can't make you happy then no one shall". The fact that he was now saying these words to her, genuinely meaning them, told her that he had moved past that and could now see past his own feelings and allow her to have her happiness with someone else.

"I've always said I didn't want to wake up one day, look back and regret the things I missed out on" he continued when she looked back up. "As it turns out… it's a lot worse looking back knowing that you had the only thing that mattered and you threw it away."

"Chuck…"

"We both know that's what happened. No matter what I've said since that night with Jack at the Empire… I threw it away. It wasn't fate, it wasn't both of us, it was me. I known owning up to it now doesn't make that much of a difference but I thought… I thought you deserved to hear me acknowledging it at some point and now is as good as any. I don't mean to talk about _us_ at your engagement party, I don't want to dampen the mood for you or anything. But I have to tell you these things now."

"Speak now or forever hold your peace?" Blair said, tilting her head, trying to sound cute even though she know it wasn't funny.

"We won't be seeing each other much more after this."

She swallowed hard, feeling the words hurt even though it didn't really mean much of a change from their current situation. They had slipped away from each other ever since Joseph came along so whether or not she saw him often from now on didn't really change much. Yet hearing him say it made her sad.

"I know we don't see each other much as it is" he said, almost reading her mind. "Once you start planning your wedding for real… once you're married… I don't think I would do so well with that, I'm afraid. I know I could never stomach seeing you pregnant by someone else, raising children that aren't mine. It's better for both of us if I keep out of your life and you stay out of mine. It's sad that a lifetime of friendship should end that way but there it is."

"Chuck" she said softly, almost pleadingly. "We're still friends. We'll always be friends. I don't expect you to be excited for me or come to the wedding, but you belong in my life."

"Letting you go and getting over you is the most difficult and bitter thing I have ever done" Chuck said. "I don't know why I just used the past tense. I'm still not done with that and I don't know when I will be. I really mean it when I say I want you to be happy, I do Blair. It's just too difficult to watch, and I think it would take away from your happiness to know that I'm watching and hurting. It's time for us to go our separate ways, once and for all."

"We're friends" Blair said again. "It will get easier. I promise."

"No it won't. I will be miserable if I have to be a witness to someone else getting the only thing I've ever really wanted and you, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the happiness you so deserve. I will be fine Blair. So long as I get to withdraw and create my own life without you in it. It's sad that it comes to that but it was the chance we took when we first started becoming more than friends. Once you cross the line from friends to lovers there's no guarantees you'll be able to go back. We can't, and I'm sorry for that."

"We _can_" Blair insisted. "We can't _not_ be friends."

"You will find it's easier than you think" he said with a sad smile. "I don't want you to have to worry about me. I don't think you should even be thinking about me, except for when you look back at old photos or talk about the good old days when you were still in school. People have relationships and when they end they move on with their lives. That's what we're doing. We've already started. It's better for us both if you can build your marriage without me being anywhere in the picture."

"You would like Joe" Blair said. "He doesn't mind us seeing each other."

"You were lucky. You found a great guy. I love you enough to let you be happy with him." He smiled joylessly. "You really look lovely tonight Blair. You've been looking even lovelier than usual ever since you started dating him. I can see the good he does in you."

"I hope you will change your mind" Blair said in a trembling whisper.

"You know me. Once I've made up my mind about something…"

She nodded. Then she leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"Thanks for coming" she said, not knowing what else to say.

"For you? Anything."

She smiled shakily and hurried back inside to warm up. He closed his eyes hard for a second and tilted his head back. He couldn't believe he had just done that but he knew it had been necessary. He knew he couldn't stand on the sidelines and watch. He had never thought they would be out of each other's lives but that was the way it was going to have to be. She deserved perfection and for her to have that he couldn't be involved. And he couldn't be in her life without being involved. He was too drawn to her.

He sighed heavily, braced himself and walked back inside. He would have a large, strong drink and then head back home. There was nothing more for him to do at this party. All he wanted to do now was drink away his misery, alone.

He hadn't taken more than three steps inside before someone put a hand on his arm. He turned and saw Dorota, looking better than ever, smiling happily at him. He returned the smile. He had always liked Dorota. She was the only one who had always been completely loyal to Blair. Himself included.

"Long time no see" he said.

"Hello Mister Chuck."

"Hello to you too. You managed to find a baby-sitter for Ana, I see?"

"I saw you dance with Miss Blair" Dorota said.

Chuck managed to keep the smile on his face but he really didn't want to talk more about Blair tonight. Of course that was impossible. This was Dorota, and they were at Blair's engagement party. What else were they supposed to talk about? Vodka?

"We miss seeing you" she continued.

"Blair's building a life for herself. I'm happy for her. He seems like a great guy."

"Mister Joe is… perfect" Dorota nodded, and Chuck tried not to cringe at her choice of adjective. A mischievous smile came over Dorota's face. "But he's not as much fun as Chuck Bass."

Chuck couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Yeah I bet the drama has dialed down."

"You were always good for Miss Blair" Dorota said. "I would have been happy if it had been you. Mister Joe good also… but for long time I rooted for you."

"Thank you Dorota" Chuck said, feeling oddly touched. Still, he had noted her choice of tense. _Rooted_, not _rooting_. "But the princess found her prince charming. Let's be happy that she got her fairytale ending and make sure she gets a happily ever after."

Dorota smiled again and Chuck nodded to her before continuing to the bar. He needed a drink more than ever.

He made his way to the bar and poured himself a ridiculously large scotch. He grabbed his phone and pretended to get a call, walking off to his old room giving the appearance that he wanted to take the call someplace more quiet. Once he was in his room he took several large gulps of alcohol, set the glass down on the nightstand and fell back on the bed with a groan. He couldn't leave just yet. If he did there would be talk and he couldn't handle talk. He couldn't handle everyone knowing how badly he was hurting. He was sure people were smirking behind his back. Chuck Bass, the great womanizer, desperately in love with a woman he can't have. Hilarious. So long as you weren't Chuck Bass.

He had been continuously depressed for so long now that he had gotten used to it. It was just the way it was to be alive these days. He knew he was beginning to isolate himself from friends and family but it was just easier not having to put up with their questions and odd looks. He hated people being able to tell he was feeling like crap. Even more he hated people pitying him and he was fairly convinced that was what they all did. These past six months he had preferred not seeing the people who knew him well, surrounding himself with random women and business associates instead, or preferably being alone. Hitting brand new levels of emotional pain only made him want to isolate himself more. None of them could understand what he was going through anyway but their attempts at being understanding drove him crazy.

After a while he sat up and emptied his drink, figuring he might need it before walking back out. He had been there long enough. He had made an appearance, he had congratulated the happy couple, he had even spoken to Blair in private. He was out of her life now, for good. All that was left was to physically leave her presence and he intended on doing just that.

He got up and walked back out to the party, stopping to pour himself another drink on the way to the elevator.

"I didn't think you would come" Serena's voice said right next to him.

"If I hear one more person tell me that I'm going to start wishing I hadn't" he growled, glaring at her.

"You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh I don't know, Blair's engagement party?"

"Blair and I broke up a year and a half ago. I told her congratulations and that I am happy for her and I meant it."

"I'm sure she appreciated that" Serena said, looking concerned. "And I'm glad to hear it too. I really am."

"Right" he said dryly, thoroughly tired of everyone thinking the worst of him. "You thought I would do something to ruin her engagement or her wedding. I do know a guy who sells rats by the sack, I could release a bunch in the church right as she walks down the aisle. I don't think that's going to make her less inclined to get married though."

"I've rarely seen you these past couple of months" Serena said. "I assumed you were having a bit of a hard time with Blair finding a serious relationship."

He eyed her, surprised. He hadn't thought she knew him that well.

"How did you make that guess?"

"Blair and I were talking about how none of us seem to see you anymore and she said you were probably withdrawing because you weren't feeling too good. Since I feel like I have no idea what you're up to these days, this was the only thing I could think of."

Chuck sniggered. Blair was now acting the expert on the moods and behaviors of Chuck Bass? That annoyed him. Serena was completely oblivious to that though. She apparently had nothing better to do than to play the role of worried stepsister. Or perhaps Blair had sent her over to make sure Chuck was okay.

"Too bad you can't think farther than you can throw a piano" he said. "I've had a lot of work to do and that's what been keeping me busy. Like I said I'm happy for Blair."

"Yeah, so happy you're practically floating" Serena said, not buying a word of it.

"As much fun as it is being subjected to your attempts at taking an interest, I'm out of here" he said, downing his drink.

"Another business meeting?" Serena asked dryly.

"Honestly… I think I'm just going to go home and put myself out of my misery. Excuse me, sis. I should say goodbye to Lily before I leave."

He walked off. Serena frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. She wasn't foolish even though she knew neither Chuck nor Blair had a very high opinion of her intelligence. Chuck's façade was cracking and that usually didn't happen unless he'd reached the point where he just didn't care anymore. Serena only recalled one such time before, and that was after Bart had died. She hadn't thought much about it until now, but if Blair was right and he was withdrawing because he was depressed then he might be feeling a lot worse than she had suspected.

She poured herself a drink and pondered it while she sipped down the alcohol. Then she remembered what he had just said and suddenly felt very worried. He said he was going to go home and put himself out of his misery. After saying goodbye to Lily first. Serena had heard rumors that Chuck had tried to kill himself at Victrola after Bart's death but she didn't know for sure. Blair had never said anything about what had happened that night. If he had been thinking about putting an end to his misery that time it may not be too inconceivable that he might actually try to do it again.

Filled with worry she hurried over to her mother who was mid-conversation with Joseph's uncle.

"Mom!"

"Oh hi Serena" Lily said. "I was just talking to Devon here about economics. You know, his professor from Dartmouth is coming over to Columbia this next semester. Maybe you should think about taking his class."

"Mom where's Chuck?" Serena asked, even more uninterested in academics than usual. "Did he leave?"

"Yes, about fifteen minutes ago."

"Did he seem weird? Upset?"

Lily gave her a look like she thought Serena was a complete idiot.

"I don't think I need to clue you in on what his current state of mind is" she said.

"I have to go" Serena said and hurried to get her coat.

She ran into Nate who was coming down the stairs and he laughed a little as he grabbed a hold of her.

"Slow down" he said.

"Nate have you seen Chuck in the past fifteen minutes?" Serena asked. "Did he leave? Did you see him leave?"

"Why? Why are you looking for Chuck?"

"This night is not exactly easy for him and he said some things that made me worry" Serena said. "Nate I think he might do something."

"Yeah" Nate scoffed. "Drink copious amounts of alcohol. That's what he does."

"No I mean something worse. A lot worse. He's been acting weird for a long time now and the things he said makes me think he should not be alone."

"Relax" Nate said with a shrug. "You know Chuck. Wherever he's gone off to he's not planning on spending the night alone. Have another drink and then maybe we can dance?"

"You're a real rock to lean on in a pinch" Serena snarled. "You go get another drink. I'm going to find him before anything bad happens."

"Serena" Nate said seriously. "There's no need to _worry_. I know he's not taking this as well as he wants us to believe but come on. He's not going to do anything crazy. At least not anything crazy by his standards."

"I'd rather make sure" Serena said and hurried to get her coat.

"He's not going to be happy to see you" Nate noted. "Have fun being chewed out for walking in on him in a compromising position."

"I'll take my chances."

It seemed to take forever before she found her coat, and then even longer before she could get herself into a cab. She drummed her foot impatiently the whole ride over to the Empire, wondering what state she would find Chuck in and if he would even be there like he had said. She ran through the lobby to get to the elevator but once she was on her way up she started wishing the elevator would slow down just a little. She wanted to stop Chuck from doing something bad to himself but she was also petrified of arriving to find out he already had done something. What was she going to do then? What would she tell her mother? And how would she be able to tell Blair? Blair who didn't speak much about Chuck these days, but who clearly cared very much about him still.

The elevator finally reached the penthouse and the doors opened. Serena took a deep breath and hurried inside, trying to remember where the light switch was since the room was pitch black.

"Chuck?" she called out. "Chuck? Where are you?"

Even more nervous now than before she ignored the lack of light and ran into Chuck's bedroom, finding it empty. She hurried back out to the living room and began to search, finding only a mess by the bar and Chuck's jacket thrown over the pool table. At least that meant he had been here, but where was he now? The roof? Should she call security and have them go up there? That would embarrass him to no end when he woke up and sobered up, but rather that than letting him jump.

She searched around for the landline phone but couldn't find it anywhere. She walked back into Chuck's bedroom and saw it sitting on the nightstand. Nearly tripping over a half-empty bottle of cognac she made her way over and picked the phone up. Then she heard a toilet flush and quickly sat the phone back down, hurrying in to the bathroom. It was pitch dark just like the rest of the place so she turned on the lights.

Chuck groaned and tried to cover his eyes with his arm. He was slumped on the floor by the toilet, looking like hell. But at least he looked alive.

"Chuck?"

"Serena?" he managed to mumble.

"Chuck. Are you okay?"

She hurried over and kneeled next to him, wondering if she should check his pulse or something but realizing she had no idea what his pulse was supposed to be at anyway.

"Dim the lights, sis" Chuck complained.

"No, you need lights" Serena said, pulling his arm away from his face. "Look at me. Are you okay?"

"Peachy…" Chuck mumbled. "Except I grabbed the wrong bottle and drank like a gallon of cognac. That's just vile."

"You're really plastered" Serena noted, moving the bangs away from his face.

"You always had a knack for stating the obvious…"

He had gone back home to drink himself into oblivion, feeling no desire to deal with anything at all tonight. Copious amounts of alcohol would make him forget for a few hours and the murderous hangover that would follow would give him something else to focus on for a few hours. He'd rather take physical discomfort than emotional. The last thing he wanted was company, especially by one of the people he was drawing himself away from.

"Do me a favor sis…"

"What?"

"Take the rest of the cognac with you when you leave. And in case you weren't sure, yes, that was a hint."

"I'm not leaving. This isn't like you. When do you ever get _this_ drunk?"

"Well there's right now…" Chuck slurred and frowned as he tried counting on his fingers. "About twenty times or so after dear old Dad kicked the bucket… A couple of times during high school…"

Serena wrinkled her forehead when she saw him lifting up another bottle which had been sitting beside the toilet. Chuck drank more than most people she knew, but he didn't drink all that much at a time. A glass of scotch here, a martini there. When he chose to get drunk he usually stopped at a fairly reasonable level, which he had once informed her was because there was no point in drinking past the point where the anatomy refused to function properly. Clearly he had made an exception tonight because there wouldn't be enough Viagra in the world to make him rise to the occasion in present condition. There had only been a few exceptions to his drinking policy and most of them had been when they were still so new at the drinking thing that they hadn't yet learned what their limits were. The fact that he was now drunk off his ass made her worry.

"No, no more alcohol" she said and yanked the bottle away from him.

"I puked up the cognac, something needs to replace it" Chuck disagreed and tried to reach the bottle.

"Yeah, a few gallons of water and some common sense" Serena said and stood up, tossing the bottle into the bathtub.

"Fabulous!" Chuck exclaimed and squirmed around so he ended up on all fours, crawling over to the tub. "We can just pour all the booze into the tub and take the best bath ever."

"We tried that back in freshman year, remember?" Serena said tiredly. "In fact that's how our parents first really got to know each other. They both had to come to the emergency room when we were having our stomachs pumped."

"Damn, I should have mentioned _that_ in my toast at their wedding…"

Serena sighed, not too fond of the memory. She grabbed Chuck by the arm and tried pulling him back up on his feet even though she knew it was futile. He was heavy and she was not too athletic.

"Chuck please" she said. "You're not yourself. You will feel so much better if you get into bed and sleep it off. No more alcohol tonight."

"See that is where you're wrong" he said, wobbly turning around to wave a finger at her. "Feeling better is just not on the map anymore."

"I knew you were broken up about this Blair thing but I didn't know you were upset enough to want to drink yourself to death" Serena said. "_Please_. Get up on your feet."

"I'll stand up… if you go and get me something new to drink. Something _alcoholic_."

"I'm cutting you off. Chuck seriously, you're starting to scare me. I know things feel bleak right now but it's not as bad as you think. You'll bounce back. You're Chuck Bass, that's what you do, right?"

He eyed her curiously and through his drunken haze seemed to catch on to something. He sniggered, gave a little laugh and then looked sour.

"That's why you rushed over here? You thought I was going to do what, empty my bottle of sleeping pills?"

"Would you?" she asked, dead serious. That was the thing about Chuck, no matter how drunk he could still answer serious questions.

"I'm not a quitter" he told her, glaring at her from his spot on the floor. "The great Chuck Bass does not snuff out his own light over some damn woman. I'm just _drunk_ and you're ruining my buzz."

Feeling at least a little relieved Serena grabbed a hold of him again and managed to get him up on his feet. He was so drunk he could barely stand and immediately went for the sink to throw up. She reached over and moved the sweaty bangs away from his face. God knows she had been on the opposite end of this predicament before, having her hair held back by Chuck and being herded into bed by him when she had had too much to drink. Hell, back in freshman year that had been known as Friday night.

"Want some water?" she asked him.

"What I want is to be left the hell alone" he slurred.

"Too bad."

She grabbed a hold of him again and ushered him back towards the bedroom. She wrapped her arm around him to steady him and his arm wrapped around her waist in return. It was frightening to be in this position with him, the one who hated losing control. But he had done it for her enough times that she owed him, even without siblinghood.

"Seriously, leave" Chuck growled while she steered him towards his bed.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not until Nate gets home and can take over."

He laughed bitterly.

"Geez Serena, you really think I would try and kill myself, don't you? I always knew you were an idiot."

She ignored the comment and parked him by the bed where he stood swaying while she removed the bedspread and pulled the comforter aside. She turned around, grabbed him by the shirt and made him sit down on the bed.

"I'm not suicidal" he slurred. "Bitter, yes. Depressed… kind of. But I'm also Chuck Bass and I don't throw my life away over someone who thought the better of dating me."

He let himself fall back on the bed and Serena groaned, having hoped to be able to get his shirt off first. She kneeled by the bed and got to work on his shoes and he let her.

"So it's just a coincidence that you start talking about putting yourself out of your misery on the night of Blair's engagement party?" she asked dryly.

"I told you, I'm _happy_ for her" Chuck snarled.

"No, you were happy _with_ her. Now you're just a drunk who avoids the people who care about him at all cost."

"Coincidence…" Chuck said. Then he sat up as if he had just had a brilliant idea. "Hey Serena?"

"What?"

"We need sherry."

"Cherries?" Serena repeated.

"No, no, no. Sherry. To drink. It's like… super stuffy and sickeningly sweet. The perfect thing to go decadent on upon this glorious evening."

"Chuck…" Serena said and pulled his socks off.

"Fine" Chuck sighed. "I miss her and I still love her. No big deal. I'm not going to go jump off a building."

"I hope not. Blair wouldn't be able to take it."

He laughed joylessly.

"She's happy now S. What else is there to say?"

He fell back again while Serena worked on his belt, his suspenders and his buttons. She had to really struggle to get his pants off since he wasn't complying in the slightest. He wondered why she was still even there but figured it was Blair who had sent her. Sent someone to spy on him and see where his mind was at. Maybe she was upset that he hadn't shown more jealousy and wanted proof that he _was_ jealous. Murderously, brutally, inescapably jealous.

"I'm not upset that she's getting married" he said to Serena, refusing to give anything to the enemy.

"Yeah, tell me the one about Goldilocks and the three bears while you're at it" Serena snorted. "Chuck at least lift your ass off the bed so I can get these off."

"I'm just pissed off that everyone keeps expecting me to be crying into my pillow" he slurred. "That's what's annoying me."

Serena finally managed to pull his pants off, nearly losing her balance in the process. She ignored his drunken slurs and thanked the heavens that his boxers hadn't come off along with the pants.

"I'm just…" Chuck said. "Just… moving on with my life. One day at a time."

He sighed and tried to put Blair from his mind for at least a full hour. He had to take it one day at a time. That was all he could muster. The thought of a lifetime without her made life seem so unbearably long.

He was barely aware of anything anymore when Serena pulled him up sitting and rid him off his shirt. She got him to lie down with his head on the pillow and his feet at the right end of the bed and pulled the comforter around him. She left the room to find something for him to puke in and returned with a flower pot, the contents of which she had emptied into the kitchen sink, and placed it by the bed. Then she got up on the bed next to him and eyed him silently, wondering how much he had really had to drink. He had seemed lucid moments ago but now he was passed out. He needed to find some other way of dealing with his grief other than alcohol and pulling away from the people who cared about him.

Out of nowhere he suddenly came to again and rolled over on his back.

"Blair?" he mumbled.

"Serena."

"Oh… right…"

He fell silent and after a few minutes she was beginning to wonder if he was even still awake. Then he looked up at her.

"It just… sucks, you know?" he mumbled. "She's the only one for me but I was never the right one for her. She makes me good, brings out the best in me… I turn her into someone willing to sell themselves for a hotel and then forgive the person who made them do it. She's better than that."

He seemed surprisingly lucid given his alcohol level. Serena got a strange feeling that the things he were saying now were things he didn't actually want anyone to hear. He had never truly opened his heart to her and allowed her in and the fact that he now was, even though he was so drunk, made her feel special. Like she was being given something he didn't give most people. She knew he had opened up to Blair quite often, without the aid of alcohol, and wondered if that was part of the allure. He made Blair feel special since she got to see that side of him and hear what was really going on inside that mind.

Chuck sighed heavily. Serena said nothing, afraid that if she did he might clam up again. Clearly he needed to talk about this with someone and she was as good a choice as any. Even if he deeply regretted this conversation tomorrow at least he would know she'd keep his secrets.

"She can't live with me… I can't live without her…" he said. "I guess someone always have to be the forfeited party and it turned out to be me. I want to hate that guy she's with but I can't. I hate myself for not being what she needs. He's just the guy who came along and made all her dreams come true. In a way I actually like him. I really do want happiness for her." He made a face. "But damn it… I should have done something. Made a gesture, anything, something that would have made her be able to come back to me. I should have done something to fix it. And I didn't. How do you fix the unforgivable?" He fell quiet again for more than a minute. "You fix it by letting the person you love be happy. Even if it means removing yourself from the equation."

"You'll find someone too" Serena said when he fell quiet.

He laughed bitterly.

"No thank you. I'm done with that. I'll do better on my own."

"You're not alone" Serena objected. "Let us help you. You've got people who care about you in your life."

"I learned a long time ago that those people come to me when they have problems or get stuck in tricky situations but they never think to return the favor" he stated matter-of-factly. "The only one who ever stood up for me is Blair…"

He rolled over and threw up in the flower pot. Then he went back to sleep, lying halfway off the bed. Serena grabbed him and pulled him back to where he was supposed to lay and then she grabbed a blanket and pulled it over herself. She was going to stay the night and make sure he didn't die from alcohol poisoning. It might do him good to wake up and find that she was still there. Perhaps he was right and he came through for her a lot more often than she did for him but it wasn't so easy to come through for someone who never wanted you to know he was in pain to begin with.

He might not even think she was staying with him tonight for him, but rather as a favor to Blair. And in a way she was. She knew how much it had taken out of him to show up and let Blair know it was okay for her to be excited and to move on with her life without having to think about what he was feeling. Blair wanted him to be okay and Serena could do her best to make sure of that for her. Or at least make sure he was as okay as possible given the circumstances.

She curled up on her side next to him and wondered if Blair really knew how much he still cared about her.

* * *

I know there's not a lot of Blair in this chapter either and we don't get to find out much about what she's thinking and feeling but that's all intentional. It's been mainly Chuck's POV thus far and I don't think we should know much more about her state of mind than he does.

The song "She" was used without permission. I believe it was written/produced by Charles Aznavour and Herbert Kretzmer.

Thanks for reading, and reviews are always appreciated =)


	3. Chapter 3

The response I've gotten thus far for this story has really been overwhelming. There are so many different opinions out there on what Chuck needs to do to redeem himself, if he even _can_ redeem himself, and whether or not he deserves to get back together with Blair once he is redeemed. With all those opinions out there any story touching that subject is going to differ from what most people think should happen. Your reviews have been very positive so far, much more so than I was anticipating, and I want to thank all you readers for keeping an open mind. I've really appreciated everything you've had to say!

This chapter took some time to finish and it's still not _perfection_ (funny, yeah) but it's probably as good as I can get it without completely rewriting it. I'm almost certain a lot of people won't agree with some of the things that happen in this part but I'm hoping you can like it all the same.

So with that, here's the next installment!

* * *

Blair eyed her own reflection in the mirror and smiled slightly. She had a few minutes to herself before the room would be filling up with her mother, Dorota, the groom's mother and the bridesmaids. She needed this moment alone to compose herself. She was a little over two hours away from getting married.

She liked what she saw when she looked in the mirror. Her hair had been done that morning and looked better than it ever had. She had had her hair done up in fabulous hairdos before but nothing that even came close to this. She even liked the tiny daisies stuck in her hair, which had been her fiancé's idea. Her makeup was even more perfect than the hair, accentuating her features remarkably well without being over the top. She was classically beautiful, just the way a bride should be.

The dress, designed by her mother of course, hung on the other end of the room, waiting to be worn. It was a fairly simple gown, strapless and with a bit of a train but not so much that she would need to worry about stepping on it. Blair had wanted something that wouldn't be too warm. It was July eighth and an outdoor wedding in the Hamptons. A bride who sweated like a pig was hardly what she wanted to see when she looked back on the pictures twenty years from now. She wanted everything to be perfect.

She glanced at the clock. Two hours exactly. Two more hours and then her father would be walking her down the aisle to her groom. The man she had dreamt of since she was just a little girl.

* * *

Chuck glanced over at Serena and Nate as they came down the stairs. He couldn't believe his bad timing but chose not to comment on it. It was what it was.

He had gone out to the Hamptons for the weekend to get some rest and recharge his batteries, having just secured a business deal which had taken a ridiculous amount of work to land. He needed some time to relax and that was easier to do out in the Hamptons. Since he had inherited his father's house he decided to go there, figuring nobody else would be in the house. When he arrived he had been surprised to find Serena and Nate staying there. He vaguely recalled Lily having a key to the house as well and knew he had said he didn't care if anyone else used it, but he had been hoping to get some time to himself. He preferred spending _all_ his time by himself these days. He had withdrawn from his friends more and more this past year and by now even Nate could go weeks without having a conversation with him, even though they still both lived at the Empire penthouse.

He had asked them why they were out there and an immediate silence had fallen, making Chuck wonder if they were rekindling their old relationship in secret and he had just walked in to a love nest. If that were the case then they wouldn't have a problem. So long as they stayed out of his hair they could frolic and fornicate all over the place for all he cared. But they weren't there to carry out a love affair in secret.

He had not even spoken two words to Blair since her engagement party and had in secret hired an assistant to filter his e-mails, regular mail and newspapers to keep them free from any messages she might have sent or any reports on her upcoming wedding. It was probably incredibly lame to do that but he needed to be free of her if he was ever going to be able to move on with his life. He had said his goodbyes to her and that was it. It took an inhuman amount of strength to keep himself from seeing her but somehow he got by one day at a time. He had even managed to get a filter on _Gossip Girl_ so that no blasts mentioning her name came to his phone. Therefore he hadn't known this was the weekend she was getting married, or that the Hamptons was the setting for the nuptials. Nate and Serena had come out for the wedding and decided to stay at the Bass house to keep away from the madness over at Blair's mother's place.

Serena had told him about the wedding and then looked down at her feet as if her newly painted toenails were the most fascinating thing of all time. By now Chuck was a master at pretending like he could care less about Blair Waldorf, or Blair Corday as he supposed she would be after the weekend, so he had just shrugged and told them to not make too big of a mess when they tried their hands at cooking breakfast. Then he had walked past them up to his old room, cursing his bad fortune and thinking that having to know what day Blair got married was probably some form of cosmic punishment for everything he had done to her.

Now Serena and Nate were coming down the stairs, Nate dressed for the wedding and Serena dressed in a light summer dress which she would change out of once she got to the Waldorf's. She gave Chuck an apologetic look which made him want to growl at her. Could she please give it a rest with the pity for five measly minutes? No wonder he avoided her too these days.

"Well we're off" Nate said.

"Give my best to the bride and groom" Chuck replied.

He had not been invited, a fact he knew even though he was screening his incoming mail. Blair would know he didn't want to watch her marrying someone else and she wouldn't want him to feel forced to attend. If they ran into each other in the months after the wedding they would both pretend like the invitation must have gotten lost in the mail but they both knew the real story. And both were fine with it. Who would want their ex at their wedding anyway when they had had the type of relationship Blair had had with Chuck?

Serena eyed him for another moment, feeling her heart breaking for him. She could only imagine the pain he must be feeling. Chuck had pulled away from her even more since the night of the engagement party but that didn't mean she was unaware of his emotional state. Nate had mentioned that Chuck didn't want to know exactly when the wedding took place. Now he knew and had to spend his day alone with nothing but his thoughts and memories while Blair had her happy ending. Not that Serena was going to let that distract her from making this day the best of Blair's life though. She was way too happy for Blair's sake. It was just unfortunate that Chuck had shown up and found out that the wedding was happening today.

"Keep standing there and you'll be late" Chuck commented dryly.

"Let's go Serena" Nate said. "See you later, man."

"Bye…" Chuck said.

The door closed behind them and he walked into the sitting room. After pouring himself a drink, the first of many for the day no doubt, he stood by the large windows facing the patio and deeply wished he could have gone anywhere else but the Hamptons this weekend. He hadn't wanted to know when Blair tied the knot. Now it would be all he would be able to think about today. He didn't know when exactly the ceremony would be taking place so at any given hour she could have just become Mrs. Joseph Corday. It was such a definite event. The moment she said '_I do_' would be the moment he irrevocably lost her for good. And that moment would take place sometime today.

* * *

She was still alone, but would only be for a few minutes more. Then she would never be alone again. She would be married, and Joe would always be at her side. Wonderful Joe who loved her spunk and her spark and who made her believe she could be a better person. Joe who had gone out in a dreadful downpour at night to get her macaroons, who had sung '_Moon River_' to her the night he proposed, who had taught her how to make lasagna in the funniest, and sexiest, evening she had ever spent in a kitchen. Sharing her entire future with him was not scary, even though they had known each other about a year and a half. Instead it was perfect.

While she busied herself by the mirror, putting her jewelry on and adjusting the already perfect hair she hummed softly to herself a tune that had been stuck on her mind all day. At the rehearsal dinner the previous night Joe's seven year-old niece had sung for them. The young girl had had a beautiful voice and Blair had nearly been moved to tears by it.

There was just one detail that wasn't perfect this day. While she hummed the love song to herself she wasn't thinking about the man she was about to marry. Her mind was often on Joe but each time she started over humming the tune it was Chuck she thought of. Chuck whom she had barely seen at all in the past year and a half. Chuck who had used to be the groom in her imaginary weddings.

Perhaps it was just cold feet. A natural response to being about to bind yourself to someone else for the remainder of your days. She was sure she was not the only one whose thoughts went to a love gone by in those last moments before tying the knot. But her thoughts had gone to Chuck the moment Ellie had started to sing. Which was especially strange since the song had in no way been hers and Chuck's. As she had listened to it her mind had been full of thoughts just as the intention was, except the man on her mind was not the one whose hand she was holding. Her mind had gone straight to Chuck and she wasn't sure why. She had put him from her mind after a few verses and focused on the beauty of the moment and of Ellie's beautiful voice. Then she had remembered what Chuck had used to say, about how he found it creepy rather than endearing when children sang love songs about things and feelings they couldn't understand or fathom, and shouldn't at their age. The memory had made her smile and her mind had been back on him until the girl finished singing.

She hummed the first notes of the song again and let her fingers play with the pearl necklace she was going to wear. She remembered how she had decided once that on her wedding day she would wear a certain Ericson Beamon necklace and make sure her mother designed a dress that went perfectly with it. With Joe it was more classic pearls than diamonds and this particular necklace had belonged to his mother. Mindy Corday had given it to Blair to wear for the wedding, a gesture right up Blair's alley. It was beautiful. It was perfect.

"_I have a love…_" she sang softly to herself. "_And it's all that I have…_"

A smile played on her lips. Then she looked up from the necklace and met her own gaze in the mirror and suddenly the smile was gone. What was she doing? Why was she singing that song which for reasons unknown made her think of Chuck? This was her wedding day. The day she married Joe, the man who had been making her happy since the day they met. She had felt right from the start that he was perfect for her. Not just with the little quirks and likes and dislikes that made up a person but with the way he made her feel. He was happy, untroubled, there was no brooding mind there or troubled family or something else to create problems beneath the surface. He was someone she had a good time with, someone she could share her thoughts and emotions with, someone who had seen Blair Waldorf and loved what he saw. He may not challenge her the way other boyfriends had but he gave her the simple love she had been seeking ever since she split with Chuck around the time of Dorota's wedding. He was the prince who rode in from her dreams and showed her a relationship like she had never known. When he had proposed to her she had been beside herself with joy. That was the thing with Joe, happiness with him was pure happiness. There wasn't any sadness that came with it.

Then again that wasn't exactly true. She hadn't been completely happy. When Joe had walked in to her life Chuck had walked out and that was difficult. She missed him. She missed him so much that she didn't know how to put words to it. It didn't seem fair that she should have to give him up completely as a person in her life in order to have Joe.

Maybe that was the reason why she thought of Chuck now. He wasn't there to share the happiest day of her life. The one detail that made her wedding less than perfect.

"_Right or wrong, and he needs me too…_" she sang to herself absentmindedly.

The door opened behind her and she turned around, stirred from her thoughts about someone who wasn't going to make an appearance today. Serena entered the room with an excited, bubbly smile on her face, followed by Eleanor, Dorota, Joe's mother and the three additional bridesmaids. Blair smiled at them. It was time to put that song from her mind, put that man from her heart and put the past behind her once and for all.

For the next fifteen minutes she didn't have time to think at all. Everyone around her was chatting happily, asking how she was feeling, talking about how wonderful everything looked outside in the garden where they would be having the ceremony. Joe had somehow managed to find the priest who had christened Blair and hired him to perform the ceremony. Everything seemed to be in order and Blair got several assurances that she had nothing to worry about. All the commotion was almost making her dizzy and kept her from thinking or feeling anything at all for a short while.

Eleanor picked up the dress and walked over with it, whistling to herself which was quite out of the ordinary for Eleanor Waldorf-Rose. Blair's heart seemed to stop momentarily when she heard that her mother was whistling "_I Have a Love_".

"Mother" she said. "What is that you're whistling?"

"That song young Ellie sang at the rehearsal dinner last night" Eleanor said, unzipping the garment bag. "She's got a lovely voice for someone so young."

Blair realized her mouth was a little dry and she had a funny feeling in her chest. Nothing new, it had been there for a long time but she hadn't been able to put her finger to what it was about. Her mother brought her the dress and for a brief second Blair hesitated before stepping into it. She couldn't think about this now. She couldn't allow herself to think about it. Not on the most perfect day of her life. Couldn't there be at least one perfect day which wasn't ruined by Chuck Bass?

The preparations continued, bit by bit. The dress was zipped up and Eleanor fussed over it for probably ten minutes before finding every detail to her liking. Blair was given the jewelry and through some excited giggling Dorota removed the engagement ring from Blair's left ring finger and placed it on her right just for during the ceremony. It was a beautiful ring which Joe had bought had Tiffany's. Where else? Blair had loved it at first sight. It was the second most beautiful engagement ring she had ever laid eyes on.

Whenever Blair caught sight of herself in the mirror she had to remind herself to smile. What was going on? How could she be this nervous? Why was there a part of her that hesitated? She felt as if she had been keeping something at bay for a very long time and now it was starting to beckon for her attention. It had to be wedding jitters, nothing more. This feeling would go away once her father took her arm and walked with her down the aisle. The second she saw Joe she would feel nothing but happiness. She could live without that one small piece missing from her life, couldn't she? Anything else made absolutely no sense.

"You look wonderful, darling" Eleanor said and kissed her cheek. "I always knew my daughter would make a perfect bride. Just look at you!"

"Is like fairytale brought to life" Dorota beamed. "Princess has heart broken, fairytale prince comes along and brings true love."

"Dorota" Eleanor scolded. "Don't talk about broken hearts on the day of her wedding."

Blair smiled faintly.

"It's okay Mother."

"We should go make sure everything else is ready" Mindy said. "Not to mention get ourselves ready. Blair, we will see you when you come down the aisle."

"I'll stay" Serena said while the others got ready to leave. She smirked. "Somebody should stay with the bride-to-be, lest she gets too cold feet. That's what the maid of honor is for, right?"

Dorota gave Blair a big, warm hug and Mindy kissed her on the cheek. Then they left together with Eleanor and the bridesmaids minus Serena, who had brought her dress to the room and stepped out of her sundress to change. Blair walked slowly back and forth in the room, unable to shake the feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Oh you look a vision B" Serena said as she shimmied into her bridesmaid's dress. It was pale green. Funny, Blair had always envisioned her bridesmaids wearing lavender. "I wish my mother was a designer" Serena continued. "When I get married my dress won't be anywhere near as perfect as yours."

"You'll be alright S" Blair said absentmindedly.

"If I can ever find some guy to marry, that is" Serena sighed. "Zip me up."

Blair walked over and pulled Serena's zipper up.

"I've been looking forward to this for weeks" she said. "The perfect day, the perfect wedding… perfect guy…"

"You guys are going to be so happy together" Serena said. "You deserve that. You got burned badly but you got through it, rallied and now you won the gold. I'm proud of you B."

"Yeah, I'm the Niki Lauda of love" Blair said absentmindedly. "S, You hear about people getting cold feet… What do you suppose that really is? I mean, what kind of thoughts are they having?"

"I'm guessing whichever thoughts are currently going through your head" Serena said before turning around and rubbing Blair's arms with a big smile. "Every bride gets nervous."

"I'm not nervous" Blair said. "I just… I don't know. I can't put my finger to it. Joe is perfect for me. He's the greatest guy I've ever known. A life with him… I can have everything I wanted from early adolescence. A fairytale brought to life."

"You want to know what I think makes you nervous?" Serena asked. "The fact that you will no longer be Blair Waldorf. But I think Blair Corday can be even more amazing."

Blair twirled the engagement ring on her finger without replying to Serena. The feeling in her stomach refused to go away. Why did it have to surface now? She had been feeling it before but never as strongly as she did right now.

She turned her head and caught sight of herself in the mirror again. It was as if something fell to place, some piece of the puzzle that had been missing or been ignored up until now. A key factor she hadn't wanted to admit to herself before. She felt almost as if a veil had been lifted from her face and she could see things much clearer now. She turned towards Serena, who had walked over to the dresser on the other end of the room and picked up the veil Blair was supposed to wear. That detail pushed her over the edge.

"Serena" she said. "Could you do me a favor?"

"Anything for the bride."

"Find Joe. I need to speak with him."

"Speak with him in an hour" Serena smiled.

"No I need to talk to him before the ceremony."

"Oh!" Serena hurried over to her purse and got out her phone. "Here. You can give him a call. Groom can't see the bride."

"Screw the groom not seeing the bride" Blair snapped. "We need to have a conversation between four eyes. You're my maid of honor so you'll have to go get him for me."

"What's going on B?" Serena asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. Everything's perfect. I just need a word with him. Come on, who believes in all that superstitious crap anyway?"

"Blair Waldorf."

Blair gave Serena her sternest look and Serena gave in with a sigh. She shook her head and muttered under her breath that in the years to come Blair would complain about how Serena allowed herself to be ruled by Blair while she was in a moment of bridal weakness, but the look on Blair's face had made Serena reluctant to pick a fight. She left and Blair sighed and took a seat by the vanity. She looked at herself in the mirror and wondered what on earth was wrong with her. She reached up her hands and unclasped the pearl necklace, placing it on the vanity in front of her. Her neck looked bare, but it was comforting.

Ten minutes later the door opened and she could see in the mirror how her groom walked into the room, looking very handsome in his tuxedo. In fact he looked perfect. No surprises there. She braced herself against the smile on his face and took a deep breath.

"Should I keep my eyes closed for this conversation?" Joe said with a chuckle, indeed with his eyes closed.

"No I kind of need to look into them" Blair said.

She could see his forehead wrinkle at the tone in her voice but then the smile was back.

"Serena said you needed to talk about something?"

"Open your eyes, Joe."

He did, albeit reluctantly. Their eyes met in the mirror and she turned around when she saw the look on his face upon seeing her and at the whistle he let out.

"You look…"

"And you do too" she said, standing up. "There's something we need to talk about though."

"Is there a problem?" he asked. "The caterers, the flowers? Your mother isn't driving you crazy, is she?"

"No" she said, shaking her head. "Everything is perfect. It's just… It isn't real."

He laughed a little.

"I know, it feels unreal to me too."

"No, I mean… Joe I love you but I can't do this."

To her surprise he smiled warmly at her.

"I think the cold feet are supposed to be there" he said calmly. "If you're not the slightest bit nervous then are you really aware of what you're getting yourself into? Take a few deep breaths, have a glass of champagne and think back on every wonderful moment we've shared."

"Joe… I've been on the brink of making a huge mistake. This isn't real. I will never be able to forgive myself for not realizing it until this late hour but the truth is I can't proceed with this. I cannot marry you."

"It is real" he said with a smile. "You're just afraid of trusting that it is because you've been hurt in the past."

"I'm so sorry" she said, shaking her head again. "Joe you have to believe me I don't want to hurt you." The memory of something Chuck had said to her at the engagement party came back and she almost let the hint of a smile show on her face when she realized how much sense the words made. "It's not because I don't love you. It's because I love you too much to let this continue. I wouldn't make you happy in the long run."

"Blair you're the _only_ one who would make me happy" Joe argued, slowly starting to get nervous.

"We met at the best possible timing for me and the worst possible timing for you" Blair said, looking down at the ring on her finger which she was absentmindedly twirling. "I was trying to get over Chuck for the umpteenth time and trying to heal what he had broken. You were everything I needed. But I can't be for you."

"Yes you can. Everything is perfect. Isn't it?"

"It's perfect. That doesn't mean it's right."

"This is not because of some ex-boyfriend you've barely even seen in the past year and a half" Joe said. "Blair you're having cold feet and everybody gets them. Just… Let Serena come back in here and you girls can talk about everything you ever wanted from your wedding and you will get excited again. The nerves will go away. If not before then when we meet up there at the altar." His voice was starting to sound pleading and it was heartbreaking. "Please."

"This is one of the worst things a person could possibly do to someone" Blair said, slowly walking closer to him. "Especially when it's someone they love. And I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am. But Joe the one thing that would be worse is to go through with this wedding and bind you to a person who isn't what you need. It's been a fairytale with you… But fairytales aren't real. This isn't an Audrey Hepburn movie. It's real life."

"People don't realize an hour before their wedding that they cannot go through with it" Joe argued.

"I've felt it for a while but I was too afraid to admit it to myself" Blair said. "I didn't want it to be true. But I can't ignore it anymore. You're not supposed to feel like you are suffocating when you're getting ready for your wedding."

"Don't do something that you will regret Blair. We will be husband and wife, I know that in my heart, but if you let your nerves get the best of you then you will always look back and regret walking out on our first wedding. You realize the scandal it would be."

"You deserve better than this" Blair said. "Better than what I can give you."

"It's just happening too fast" Joe concluded, grasping for straws. "We got engaged after less than a year after all. If you need more time we'll postpone it. We can do the wedding whenever you want. This year, next year, the year after that…"

She took his hand and his eyes left hers and trailed to their hands when he felt her put something in his palm and close his fingers over it. He looked up at her with disbelief, clearly more in shock than upset right now.

"This doesn't make sense" he said.

"Thank you Joe" she said, voice quivering. "For everything. I don't expect you to ever forgive me for this, even though I know better than most people how much you can forgive someone you love… but please know how sorry I am."

She kissed his cheek and walked out of the room, leaving him behind. Part of her knew that she was a bit in shock herself over what she had decided to do, and that once the shock wore off she would be hit hard with the reality of what she had just done. But there was another part of her that was filled with adrenaline, almost excited. That part knew she wanted to get the hell away from there as soon as possible, preferably before someone saw her. Which would be quite the feat since the house was filling with guests and soon they would be stepping outside for the ceremony. She lifted up her dress to avoid tripping and hurried down the stairs. With a touch of luck she could make it outside before anybody spotted her. It was both cowardly and cruel to leave it up to Joe to let everyone know the wedding was off but if she didn't get off the premises now she would somehow be reined back in and probably married.

She made it to the back doors without being detected and stepped out into the bright July day, stopping when she felt the grass underneath her feet. She had forgotten her shoes. She scrambled back up the steps, opened the door and grabbed the nearest pair of shoes she could find, a pair of her own Louboutins she had left there a few days ago. She put them on as quickly as possible and closed the door quietly.

Across the lawn by the chairs that had been set up for the guests Serena spotted her. She nudged Nate who looked over, his arm falling from his date's waist when he saw the bride hurrying back down on the lawn.

"What is she doing?" he asked.

"She looks lovely" his date lamely noted.

"Oh!" Serena exclaimed. "She's running off."

"What?" Nate echoed. "She's _leaving_? She can't leave. She's getting married! She loves Joe. Serena stop her."

"I don't have to stop her" Serena said.

"You're the worst maid of honor ever" Nate said and gave her a nudge. When she only smiled goofily he handed his champagne flute to his date and sighed. "Fine, if you won't do it I will."

"No" Serena said and grabbed his arm. "Don't you get it?"

Nate most certainly didn't get it. Serena was holding him there while Blair hurried off in her wedding dress, going in the opposite direction of the altar. Clearly she was having a meltdown and Serena was too.

"She's going to him" Serena said, warm and fuzzy with the thought that maybe Blair's life had a different happy ending, one which would make someone else she cared about happier too.

"To who?"

"To Chuck" Serena beamed. "Blair is going to Chuck."

* * *

Blair wasn't going to Chuck. She didn't even know he was in the Hamptons. She just knew she couldn't stay and marry Joe. At first she just hurried off without knowing where she was going, just making sure to steer clear of the road since she didn't want any arriving guests to see the bride running off. By the time she slowed down to catch her breath, and catch her thoughts, she had gotten a few blocks and wasn't so sure where she was anymore. On somebody else's property, but if whoever lived there were currently spotting a woman in a wedding dress standing on their lawn they weren't saying anything about it. She began to regret having run off without changing first but she probably couldn't get out of her wedding dress without assistance anyway.

She couldn't believe she had done what she had just done. Leaving Joe at the altar, a man she loved. Leaving someone at the altar was tacky, and caused a type of scandal she would have never wanted associated with her name. Still she was mostly grateful that she had realized what was truly going on before the ceremony had been completed. She knew that no matter what the pain and humiliation now he was better off this way.

He was perfect. He really was. Perfect enough that she had let herself be blindsided and caught up in the fairytale of it all. Maybe that was the most perfect part of him of all, the way that he had made it possible for her to create her own movie in her mind, a perfect fantasy to escape into when the pain of her relationship with Chuck was too much and had been going on for far too long. Joe had given her the perfect set, the perfect co-star and written the perfect script. All she had had to do was tag along for the ride. But it wasn't real.

She wondered if she had ever really seen the man behind the Mr. Perfect title she had bestowed on him. True he had made her feel happy again, and she really did have strong feelings for him, loved him even. She did… but she wasn't sure if it was really Joe she loved. He had been honest with her about who he was from the start, there had never been any mysteries to uncover the way it had been with other men in her life. The problem was that Joe himself hadn't been as important to her as the role she wanted him to play, which he fit so perfectly in. The perfect white knight who came along and mended her broken heart, lifting her up from her sadness. It hadn't mattered much who he really was and what was in his heart so long as he could help her escape into her movie and get away from the pain of her reality. She really did believe that if she had met him earlier on in life, or perhaps even if she had met him at a later time, she would have seen him for himself and loved him the way he deserved to be loved. As it was though she loved a character she had created for a movie in her mind. The truth had been pecking at her for a while but she had managed to ignore it, up until today. When Dorota had called it a fairytale brought to life the true reality had become as clear as day. She had fallen in love with an image and a dream. Abandoning Joe at the altar was crueler than anything she had ever done before, but going through with the wedding would have been even crueler.

She did not doubt that Joe would have loved her every day for the rest of her life. And she was so well aware of how perfect he was for her. There was just one detail that marred the perfection. He wasn't Chuck. With Chuck life was complicated and she had wanted to get away from that. She had longed for simplicity and perfection. Since the day she first met Joe she had been putting on blinders ignoring the intensity of the feelings she had for Chuck. Who needed a screw-up like Chuck Bass when you could have Mr. Perfect instead?

On the other hand, who needed anyone else when you could have had Chuck Bass?

She looked around her where she stood on the grass, having no idea what to do now or where to go from here.

* * *

Chuck was nowhere near as drunk as he had thought he would be. In fact he had barely had anything at all to drink. It was one of those rare occasions when he didn't feel like drinking his sorrows away. He was tired of that anyway. Wasn't it time he grew up and started handling problems without alcohol? He had been trying the drink-until-you-forget method for over two years now and it hadn't worked. Maybe it was time to try something else.

Every now and then he glanced at the clock on the wall. He had been sitting on the couch in the sitting room for hours now, occasionally watching TV but for the most part finding that he didn't want that sort of distraction. His mind was working overtime and he needed to let it. He needed to try and process it.

She was probably married by now. The most gorgeous bride anyone would ever see, and even though he didn't want to imagine it he couldn't stop himself from picturing the smile on her face when she saw her groom at the end of the aisle, when she said "_I do_" and when she kissed her husband for the first time. There was something numbing about the pain in his heart. He had known this day would come. It just sucked so bad to have to know that today was the day he lost her forever. She was married now. _Married_. She was everything he had ever wanted and he had let her slip away. Or rather thrown her away. He wasn't particularly bitter anymore, it was his just comeuppance. One could not treat the person you love the way he had treated Blair and expect a happy ending.

He needed to realize that it was time to move on. On a logical plane he knew it. There would never be a Chuck and Blair again and they had never been intended to last for eternity. Blair was meant for Mr. Perfect and Chuck had absolutely nothing on that, no arguments as to why he would be the better choice or any reason why Blair should leave Joe for him. It was over. It should never even have begun. On an emotional level he couldn't accept it yet. He had been so sure that Blair was meant for him and he was meant for her. That being Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck was going to get them through just about anything.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He needed to think about something else. Anything else other than the fact that the love of his life was marrying someone else today. That she was probably already married. He couldn't change it. He had to accept it.

Tears were falling down his cheeks and for once he let them. There was nobody here to see, and wouldn't be for a great many hours. How many times had he cried over Blair? Nowhere near enough to make up for the mistakes he had made. He let the tears fall and tried to take some solace in knowing that at least her crying days were over. She would never have a reason to cry again, except for happy tears. That was a good thing. Hopefully Nate and Serena kept their big mouths shut and didn't tell her they had run into him and that he knew today was the day of the wedding. Let her have her perfect day and be happy and never think about the person who was crying over it.

* * *

It was getting late. Hours had passed since Blair left her mother's house and she was still out walking, grateful that it was July and therefore she wouldn't be getting cold. She couldn't get back to the city because she had left without her purse so she had neither money nor credit cards. She didn't have her phone either so there was nobody she could call. That was mostly a relief though. Leaving her phone behind meant nobody could call her either. And there were probably a lot of people trying to call her today. People she wasn't so keen on seeing or talking to. Not to mention there was bound to be a _Gossip Girl_ blast she didn't look forward to reading.

She had pondered asking someone on the street for some change to use a payphone but that seemed too undignified. She had also thought about walking into a store or a café asking to borrow a phone but for one she wasn't sure who she would call to help get her back to the city and for another she wanted to stay clear of people as best as she could. Everyone who saw her turned and stared, which wasn't such a shocker, but she would rather not be seen by anyone who recognized her. That, and she was sure she wouldn't be able to set foot in any place she walked into today ever again. She would always be the crazy girl in the wedding dress.

The song from the night before kept going around and around in her mind. It kept reminding her of Chuck. She knew it was pointless to even think about him. He had made it very clear that he had no intention of being in her life anymore. He never returned her calls or texts, avoided any social gathering where she would be attending and the few times they had seen each other since she'd met Joe he had barely said two words to her. She knew the reason why but she didn't quite think it was fair.

She had been hurt by the way he avoided her. On some level she knew that it was a lot for her to ask of him that he should stay her friend and be in her life while he was still in love and she had found someone new. But she felt entitled to ask a lot of him after what they had been through. She had told him six months prior to meeting Joe that her world would not be the same without him in it. She had felt his absence every single day, trying to deny to herself how much it hurt and how much she missed him. After all, why would the absence of Chuck Bass make a difference in her life? She had the perfect man and the perfect relationship.

If she had ever taken a moment to be completely honest with herself during her time with Joe she would have been forced to acknowledge that Chuck was still as important to her as ever and that she was not over him. She loved him like she had done since forever, it was like she didn't know how to be Blair Waldorf anymore without loving Chuck Bass. They couldn't be together anymore, they had needed time apart to find themselves and when perfect Joe had walked into her life she had put all her feelings on him. A lot of her love for him was most likely love for Chuck transferred over to the person who fit her life so well. The person she could have the kind of relationship with that she had wanted to have with Chuck. Easy, uncomplicated. And the more Chuck had stayed away the more time she had spent with Joe, wasting all her love on him when the one she had thought was meant for her did not want it, or at least was not there to receive it. It was another reason why marrying Joe would have been wrong. He was an escapist dream and a distraction. Deep down her heart had never let go of her previous boyfriend.

When they had gone their separate ways again after the Saints and Sinners party Blair had promised herself she wouldn't get involved with him again unless he made some grand gesture, put in real effort. Then she had met Joe and thrown herself into a new relationship, seeing him as her boyfriend within a week after having first met him. In hindsight going from zero to serious within seven days ought to have made warning bells go off in her own head, or at least in Serena's or Dorota's, but nobody had said anything to bring her out of her fantasy. By the time Chuck found out that she was seeing someone else she was already serious about Joe and the time for grand gestures had passed. So he had chosen to withdraw and let her win. It was the first time in a long time he had done something completely selfless for her and he had done it knowing that it wouldn't be rewarded. Letting her go was not going to make her come back.

She wondered where Chuck was now and what he was doing. If he was still hurting. Probably not. It had been so long since they had last seen each other now. Serena had stopped mentioning him and his undertakings which made Blair suspect that he might be seeing someone new. If he was she couldn't blame him. She had chosen someone else. He had let her go. He had done so without a fight and she had recognized that it was an act of love. After something like that he had had to move on. How could a person not? What was there left to hope for with a love for someone whose engagement you had given your blessing to?

Even so the thought of him made her smile. So she kept thinking about him while she walked aimlessly through the Hamptons, stopping every now and then to rest her aching feet. She was both hungry and thirsty but since she had no money she couldn't do anything about it. She needed to find someplace to go or perhaps get a cab and go back to her mother's. It wouldn't be pleasant but she had to return there sooner or later. What she really wanted to do was get back to the city and go to the Empire. She wanted to see his face, hear his voice. She wanted to be near him one more time and figure out what to do next from there. She could spend the night at the hotel, either in the penthouse or in any other room they had available. It would be a safe refuge for the night. Unfortunately she had no means of getting there and she couldn't even be sure Chuck was at home.

She stopped when she realized the surroundings were looking familiar. It took her a moment but then she knew where she was. It was almost spooky being there. Chuck's father's summer house, where she had only been once since junior high, spending the fourth of July there with Chuck the summer they were dating. It had been almost three years to the date since then but the place looked the same.

It occurred to her that this was where Serena and Nate were staying over the weekend and suddenly she felt like an idiot. Of course she would go here. Nate and Serena were probably back by now, probably had been for hours in fact, and she could spend the night with them. In all likelihood they would be shocked at what she had done during the day but at least they wouldn't judge. And they could help her figure out what on earth to say to her parents when she saw them next.

She bent down to rid her aching feet of her shoes and held them in one hand as she slowly walked up the grass heading for the patio at the back of the house. She could see it long before she even got close to it. It had never looked much like a patio to Blair, more like a balcony with a high banister, and with stairs on each side leading down to the grass below. In her mind it had been the perfect setting for a Romeo/Juliet type scene and she vaguely recalled having considered asking Chuck to do that role-play when they had visited here. The sun was beginning to set behind her and through the large windows she could see light flashes that meant the TV was on. Probably Nate watching sports.

The patio doors were slightly ajar and when she got closer she could faintly hear the sounds from the TV. It wasn't sports, it was a report on the stock market. Only one person she knew would actually sit and watch something like that, especially on such a lovely summer's evening. She felt a strange fluttering in her stomach, a mixture between nervousness and excitement. She couldn't believe it but apparently here he was. A smile spread across her face. She had been longing for him for so many months and through some amazing happenstance he was only about thirty yards away.

"Chuck?" she cried out, stopping a few yards away from the patio. "Chuck? Chuck!"

Nothing happened. Maybe she was mistaken. But even if she was, wouldn't Nate or Serena have come out on the patio to see what was going on? It had to be Chuck. She called his name again and then once more. Finally the TV went silent inside, put on mute judging by how she could still spot the lights from it.

"Chuck!" she called again.

The door was pushed open further and she smiled with excitement mixed with apprehension. She had no reason to think he would be happy to see her. She had no reason to think he was even there alone. He would never deny her to come inside and make a few calls, perhaps lend her his limo so she could go back to the city. But she hoped he would say and do so much more than that. She hoped he would have missed her as much as she missed him.

He became visible up on the patio, his hands on the banister as he leaned over and looked down at her. The sight of him made her wonder how she had made it through these past months without being near him. He looked as good as he ever had, clad in a white summer suit and with his hair un-styled, the bangs falling freely over his brow. She had missed the intensity of his eyes, the look and feel of his hair, the sound of his voice. She smiled at him, hoping he would smile in return.

He didn't. He stared at her like she were a ghost. He had finally gotten around to pouring himself another large drink and sipped it while lazily watching the latest news on the stock market. He had begun to reach a state where he was completely numb, finding it quite a relief from the previous pain. So long as he didn't think about her he could stay in this state, but it was difficult when so many words, sounds and smells reminded him of her. When he had first heard her voice calling his name he had thought he was imagining things, or that it was Serena or Nate coming home early from the wedding. Then he had muted the TV and heard her voice clearly. Thinking he was starting to hallucinate he had walked outside and looked down, now shocked by the sight of her standing there.

She was a vision in more ways than one and he couldn't for the life of him understand what she was doing there, on his lawn, on the evening of her wedding. She was wearing a wedding gown, a gorgeous thing designed by her mother no doubt, only it wasn't so pristine now. The lower parts of the satin gown was covered in grass stains, dirt and other things he didn't care to identify. Her face was flushed and she was clearly a bit uncomfortable in the heat. A few strains had broken free from her perfectly styled hair and were sticking to her face. Even though she didn't look immaculate she looked more gorgeous than he had ever seen her before. But she was not his to admire. Whatever she was doing there, it wasn't for him.

"Hi" she said, a quivering smile on her lips.

"Blair?" was all he could think of to say.

She backtracked a bit. The look on his face was difficult to read. She wasn't sure if he was just surprised or if he was unhappy that she was there. Chuck on his end had no idea what to make of the woman he loved standing on his lawn wearing a wedding dress. He wasn't even entirely sure it was real and had no idea how to react.

"Why are you here?" he asked after a moment of silence. "Shouldn't you be…"

He left the question hanging in the air. Blair smiled again, feeling how nervous she was. What had she been thinking, believing even for a brief second that he might want her there? Too much time had passed. Too much had happened. They had moved on from each other's lives. Why should he welcome her back, especially when she showed up unannounced wearing a wedding dress intended for another man?

But this was Chuck. And if they were meant for one another they would find their way back eventually. He would be waiting for her because he owed her that.

"I didn't go through with the wedding" she said.

"You ran out?" he said, looking a lot more surprised than he ought to be considering she was standing on his lawn in a wedding dress.

"Yes" she said. "And then I came here. I…"

She hesitated for a moment. His eyes travelled down to her hands, seeing her playing with her fingers in a nervous gesture. There were no rings on them anymore.

"I'm confused" he said, fighting hard against the hope that was beginning to well up in his chest.

"I ran away and now I've been walking around for hours not knowing where to go" she said, and he felt that glimmer of hope being crushed, realizing she wasn't there for him so much as she just needed refuge. "I came here, and I…"

"You need a place to stay for the night?"

"Yes" she admitted.

"How did you even know I was here?"

"I didn't" she said, seeing the look on his face change. "I'm not even sure how I ended up here but when I realized where I was it just seemed like the right place to be. And then I realized you where here and I..." She looked down at her hands for a second, bracing herself before looking back up at him. "I don't expect you to let me in. I don't even know… I mean… You're probably with someone else right now, right? Our lives have changed so drastically in these past two years and you must have moved on by now. Even if you're single there's no reason why you'd be happy to see me. You could be single for a million different reasons, none of them being that you still have feelings for me. You let me go… You were right to let me go."

He frowned, trying to make sense of what she was saying and figure out what her intended point was. His heart was in turmoil, one second beaming with happiness at the thought that she might actually have left her fiancé because she still loved him, the next grimly resigned to the fact that this had nothing to do with him and was about something else entirely.

"No there's no one else… But Blair what's your point?" he asked, sounding a touch harsher than intended.

"I don't expect anything from you" she said. "I know this is all a lot to ask…"

"Since when should you be worried about asking things from me?" he said. "If you need a place to stay then I'll put you up. I'm the one who owes you more than I can make up for."

"But I didn't come for a favor" Blair said.

"Why did you leave him at the altar?" Chuck asked slowly, holding his breath to hear the answer.

"For a lot of reasons" came the answer. "Because I knew before today that something was missing. Because no matter how happy he could make me… there's just something missing. I always… wanted it to be you. I must be a total bitch for standing here saying this to you and basically putting this huge responsibility on you to make my leaving him the right choice but I didn't leave him because I thought I could have you instead."

None of it was making sense to Chuck. What was she even trying to say? She managed to make it sound like she wanted him again while at the same time making it sound like she didn't. While his heart was telling him to just put his arms around her and take whatever she had to give his mind forced him to stay put. He couldn't go through that much hurt again if it turned out she wasn't truly coming back to him. And he couldn't take advantage of this if she was just having the world's worst case of wedding jitters.

"I left him because no matter what happens between you and I…" She hesitated again. "You've probably moved on. You haven't even been wanting to see me for such a long time. I know you must have gotten over me by now. So I didn't leave him for you. I left for me, and for him. It wouldn't be right to marry him when a part of my heart still wishes I was with you . I didn't think my day today would have a happy ending. But you're here." The smile was back on her face. "You're here, I found my way to you. So that gives me hope."

"Hope for what?" he asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Hope for an entirely different fantasy to come true."

"I thought you had everything you wanted."

"I didn't."

"How come?"

"I love you" she said. "I don't think that's ever going to change. I don't think it's ever going to lessen. I love you."

Finally something seemed to register with him and she saw that look on his face, even if it was just for a second. That look she knew so well that meant he was feeling. His hands left the banister and he walked to his right, towards the steps leading down to the lawn. She stood motionless while he descended the stairs, stepping lightly but not making too much haste. He reached the grass and took a few slow steps before stopping.

"I don't get it…" he said, on the verge of laughing with relief but not yet daring to believe it. "That guy… He's perfect."

"I am so tired of that word" Blair said with a hint of a groan. "What even defines what perfect is?" She smiled and Chuck slowly took a few more steps towards her. "Is perfect the guy who loves Audrey Hepburn as much as I do? Or a guy who watches '_Breakfast at Tiffany's_' with me twelve times in ten months even though the movie bores him? Is perfect the guy who always seems to know what to say or what to do to put a smile on my face or a guy who makes me smile just by being alive? Is perfect the guy got in trouble with his boss for spending a weekend in Miami with me instead of working on his latest case? Or the guy who got shot for me?"

"I don't know" Chuck said, stopping a few feet away from her. "I think perfect… is a guy who wouldn't ever hurt you. Not just a guy who would never _want_ to hurt you, but one who couldn't bring himself to no matter what."

"I think perfect is an unobtainable goal" Blair said. "Nothing can ever be perfect. The only thing you can get that even comes close is in the way a person makes you feel. All this time Chuck… so many months without a word spoken between us, or a moment in each other's presence… I still feel it. I love you. Joe is perfect on paper but there's never been anyone else I've felt such a belonging with as you."

"I hurt you" Chuck said. "Over and over."

"You did" she nodded. "Then you let me go. You let it be my choice who I should build my future with."

"Is that enough?" he asked.

She didn't offer him an answer, just looked at him wordlessly. He reached out his hand and was just barely able to graze a strain of hair that had fallen free. She was so beautiful in her gown and with her hair done up but it was the look on her face which made her the most beautiful of all. He studied her in silence while he waited for her to say something. When she didn't he took half a step closer and let a finger touch one of the flowers in her hair.

"Daisies…" he commented. "You should be wearing peonies."

She laughed a little.

"Peonies don't go with the dress."

"They go with you."

She smiled almost bashfully and looked down at the ground before coquettishly looking back up at him.

"See?" she said. "I guess not everything was perfect."

"You look lovely. Even more than usual."

She walked the remaining two feet up to him and reached out her hand, letting it adjust his collar and then run through his bangs. The touch made him shiver.

"I don't expect anything from you…" she said again. "But I love you. Whatever you want to do… I thought at least you should know that."

She felt his hands land on her waist, pulling her a little closer. The touch nearly took her breath away. It had been far too long and when he touched her it was clear as day that whatever she felt for Joe he never made her feel this way. Every part of her that he touched seemed to come alive.

"I will love you with my dying breath" he whispered. "You know I will. But are you sure? For both our sakes… You have got to be sure."

"I told you that night at the Saints and Sinners party that I loved you but I need to find myself before I could be with you. Then I met Joe and I almost married the wrong guy. Whether or not you think this could work between us now I'm sure of what _I_ want."

"I've told you in the past that I did the most dangerous thing I could when I told you I love you. But I'm not the one putting something at risk anymore."

"It's worth the risk."

"Are you sure?"

"I'd rather take the risk with you one more time than spend the rest of my life with another man, wondering what I could have had with you."

He closed the remaining distance between them, leaning down and kissing her in response. She kissed him back hungrily and wrapped her hands around his neck, fingers playing with his hair, absentmindedly realizing she had lost her shoes along the way but really not caring. She had forgotten how much magnetism and emotion there could be in one kiss. It was something beyond passion, desire or affection. A spark you could only have with one or two people in your life, if you were lucky.

"I can't believe I forgot what it feels like to have your lips on mine" she breathed when they parted for air.

"I'll never let you forget again" he mumbled back. "If you let me."

They kissed again, deeper and more urgently this time. A year and a half of pent-up longing and desire finally finding an outlet. He couldn't quite fathom what was happening. She was indeed there, in his arms, real as could be. Either he had died and gone to heaven, but since he had a strong feeling heaven wouldn't be his destination after death he doubted that this was the case, or she had through some miracle forgiven him. Maybe there really was such a thing as destiny.

"I love you" he said when their lips parted again. "Do you want me to say it again and again? And again?"

She laughed happily, recalling one of her favorite memories, the first time he had said those words to her.

"Or maybe you could just pinch me?" he suggested, grinning against her lips. "I'm afraid I'm having a bit of trouble believing that this could be real."

"What is so hard to believe?" she laughed, stealing another kiss before he replied.

"That once again the story ends with you and I."

"What's so hard to believe about that?" she smiled. "We both knew all along… If two people are meant to be together…"

"… Then they will find their way back to each other" he finished.

She nodded and laughed happily, meeting his lips with hers again. They broke the kiss and he rubbed his nose against hers. Sighing contently she looked into his eyes, not even seeing the beautiful sunset framing the scene, having eyes only for him.

They kissed again, his hands travelling over her back, and she reveled in his taste, that hint of the scotch he had been drinking. Even though she wasn't a big fan of drinking scotch herself she had always loved being able to taste it in a kiss. Especially in his kisses. It was part of him, like the way he tasted of orange juice in the mornings or the smell of his favorite cologne. She had missed all of it and couldn't imagine ever doing without it again.

"I love you" he mumbled again when they parted briefly for air.

She grinned against his lips and heard him chuckle happily. This was not how she had expected this day to end but it felt better than anything else ever could.

* * *

_Gossip Girl here. Who would have thought Blair Waldorf would go from having breakfast at Tiffany's to being the runaway bride? Rumor has it she left the perfect prince and fled to the arms of her heart's true desire. Hope you'll have a happy happily ever after B._

_XO XO – Gossip Girl_

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I personally feel it got a little… overly fluffy… towards the end. And kind of clunky at times. I was in the mood for something dramatic and I wanted to give Chair a happy ending (for once lol). So I toyed with the idea of what kind of things they might do on the show for a season finale or sweeps episode or something and this is what I ended up with. Hopefully Blair's decision to walk out didn't seem too out of the blue. One of the reasons why I skipped right from engagement to wedding was to allow it to be a bit of a twist without making it seem too weird that it wasn't built up over the engagement. If that makes sense. Anyways, I'm sure a lot of you have different opinions on whether or not CB should have gotten back together so write a review and let me know what you thought =)

This could be the end of the story. It's a pretty natural point to end it. I do have some ideas for what would happen in the aftermath but I'm not sure it needs to be told. Let me know what you think.

And thanks for reading, as always =)


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